Oct 062012

This post is inspired by a podcast with Neil and Abe, where we outlined the benefits of keeping the equipment used to support porn habits, entirely separate from your less-perverted life. The discussion started (at 24min) with utilizing a “porn-specific” internet browser. This browser would be some obscure software (Opera?) that no guest to your computer one would ever think to use. You would configure this browser to automatically delete your browsing history, and other such steps.

This spawned the idea of having an entirely separate computer or tablet, just for your porn. Consider the days when men hid a Playboy under the mattress. Now you just hide your porn-specific computer.

If you’re designing a Porn Tablet, include some features that make it outstanding at what it does. Should someone ‘ambitious’ try to design it, here’s some key options

  • a giant snooze bar that you can easily hit if someone walks in on you. Once you press this “snooze bar”, some other “non-porny” screen would show up automatically. Perhaps FoodNetwork, something sciency, or ESPN.
  • A Wi-Fi that hacks in to your neighbor’s network. Then, if the FBI tries to hunt you down for watching too much granny porn, your 58yo Armenian immigrant next door goes down in flames – not you.
  • Some sort of sensor that picks up when a spouse or parent is nearby, so you can toss some clothes over your perverted self.
  • Obviously, the entire thing should be washable, or waterproof, or something cool like that.
  • Optional 30 minute battery. This way, you can’t destroy your life because you are totally hooked to afore-mentioned granny porn.
  • Fingerprint scanner. If you scan in, it opens up your own disgusting, personalized desktop. Anyone elses fingerprint? Porn Tablet automatically opens to a session with a NY Times crossword and Forbes magazine article, making you appear like some super-serious intellectual to your nosey boy/girlfriend.
  • Optional vibrating ‘stylus’, if that’s your thing. Like the thing used in old Palm pilots, but better.
  • Maybe a wiper blade, to keep the screen clear with the touch of a button? Although, if anyone found a tablet with a wiper blade, that would beg a few questions, and your cover would be blown.
  • built in lube dispenser
  • headphones only – no speakers (since you don’t want this playing out loud). And you don’t need stereo for porn music – it’s pretty gross to hear that stuff in 5.1 surround sound. Mono would be fine.

That’s about it. Maybe it’s called the GuyPod or something.

Feb 092012

Bruce Jenner is going to get ass whether we do him or not

Roy, Cinnamon, Griff discuss drunkest stories, Roy needing a new football bandwagon to jump on, the triple point (both hands and a foot), celebrities that we would barely sleep with, what cosmetic surgery would you want on someone, rabbit toys, anal hook ups, BJ or vay jay for the rest of the life, sound of people banging turn you on, and much much more.

Editor’s Picks:

“I’ve told you, I’ve only tried it once. And I was. Crying. Like a Chai ELD.” – Griff circa 32min.

Be a life-long learner:

If you want to get some ass, simply go to CheeseTique:

Cheesetique Del Ray (703.706.5300)
2411 Mt Vernon Ave, Alexandria, VA

Cheesetique Shirlington (703.933.8787)
4056 Campbell Ave. Arlington, VA

Feb 022012

Roy and friend dressed to kill at the Black and White party

Roy, Cinnamon, Griff join another wine tasting, and we discuss dumb and dumber outfits, Victorias Secret the Magazine, why “Afghanis don’t front”, Michael Tyson a as fat, angry 3rd grader who bit off his teacher’s ear, cankle liposuction, bull dozing a woman’s vay jay, two legged dog who is a motivational speaker, pooping on people who are drunk or homeless, speed hooking up instead of speed dating, key partys, hot people at harris teeter, girls hotter in groups – guys hotter in doubles, the “stare down eye lock”, panty dropping date places, the “dirty grab” (carnival claw) and a hell of a lot more.

Editors Pick(s):

“Are your panties as wet right now as mine would be if I had just taken a pee?” – Roy, circa 17min

“If only they sold dildos at Target.” Cinnamon circa 28min

Be a life-long learner!:

Letting red wines breathe is a waste of time (1, 2), and does not impact taste. Decanting only should be done to prevent sediment from getting in your glass, in wines like ports.

Cinnamon was kinda right – white wines may benefit from releasing the sulfur dioxide (SO2) odors. SO2 is used to prevent oxidation, so, don’t let white wine breathe unless you want it to turn brown.

Key party – males put their car keys in a bowl, and the female goes home in the car of whatever key they choose. I feel like someone would just steal my car at this party. The British version is where guys get a key and girls have a lock, and when you find that matching person and the key fits, you go bang.

Inspirational two legged dog, Dominic (below) – way cooler than this pathetic dog, Faith, seen on Oprah.

Jan 122012

Swat team at my place


Chris and Roy exploring Plan B, potato guns, NASCAR real stock car racing, Fraggle Rock, parents partying, small town law enforcement, inter-office mail order brides, doppelgang-bang, consolidating public services, shady roommate and the SWAT team, strippers making $1 bill deposits at atlantic city, and more.

Hope you enjoy! Tony

Editor’s pick:  Roy :”I don’t have time to tuck in these $1 – I got a guy for that.” (47:10)

Be a Life Long Learner:

In building your own potato gun/tee shirt launcher, be sure you use schedule 40 PVC. It’s pressure rated, so it’s less likely to explode into your face, or rip off your hand. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyaZipWVjrE)

Screen shot from a video posted on youtube by "jiro9cuts0001"

Jan 062012

Old-Timey LASIK

Podcast about the last things we’d want to see before getting laser eye surgery, age range we would work at trader joes, fear of nanobots, pizza as a pizza topping, the pope’s first tweet, fluids to use in the bedroom, my “graduation” ceremony. We tried out Roy’s paper fortune teller and had a good time, despite not having any salmon.

All my love, Tony


Editors Pick: LB talks about my new favorite adjective, “stabby”.

Be a life long learner: 

Growth of Computing Power

Technological singularity – the time when super-smart computers design super smart things at an ever faster rate. Unlike physical things, like a population explosion in rabbits taking 10 years, technology/intelligence doesn’t need “time to grow”. This could theoretically mean that computer intelligence could get out of hand in a matter of days or even hours.

Nanobots (nanorobotics) – machines that are so tiny, that a nanobot working on a cell in the human body would be similar to working on a building. Additionally, you could inject a robot into your bloodstream, and they could do the work, and just get pee’d out or something.

Dec 152011

The 'Mons Pubis' image from wikipedia. Seriously.

Roy, Kandie, and Griff talk about getting kicked out of bars, how fruit juices affect the taste of “people juices”, cialis’ing strangers at a bar, shorn genitals, laser hair removal, why everything feels better for a girl with a shaved vagina, stories about exs, hook ups with cougars, and the sexual appetite of red heads.  All this discussion while we were wine tasting.

If you don’t know what a Mons Pubis is – Wikipedia can help. I’ve always considered Wikipedia to be a rather restrained group. The attached picture is refreshingly close to pornography. “Mons” means ‘mountain’, so it’s like Pubic Mountain. HA!