Oct 262012
 

Cosmo 6 ways to Ace a First Date, p34, November 2012

“Scott Porter reveals simple moves that will leave him dying to go out with you again.”

I suggest a few refinements of his points, but overall, not a bad article with some good thoughts.

Idea Scott Porter says A Real Guy says
Play a little hard to get Don’t call to confirm plans beforehand, you’ll seem too eager. Guys are neutral about this. I like a little flirting beforehand, but the guys say “no confirmation” isn’t an issue. However, that guys like to be confident that his girl has enough information to prepare for the date. It helps if the girl can coach the guy through general questions: what the feel of the restaurant is like, how to get there, etc. We don’t think about that stuff ahead of time.
Show up on time Being prompt is important. If a girl is late, she’s not into the date. Being more than 10 minutes late just seems inconsiderate and impolite. At that point, who cares if she’s into it, she just seems like a jerk. Its an unnecessary bad start to the night.
Talk about yourself It’s very cool if she shares something intimate, it shows security. Plus guys would rather listen to you talk. There’s a fine line between sharing something out of comfort (very good feeling) versus desperate for someone to talk to (very bad feeling). Go easy on the sharing on date one. By date two or three, the rapport is strong enough to “overshare” and it’s not a big deal.
Let him be a man If he wants to open the door or pay for the evening, let him. We want to feel like we can do these things for a woman. Guys absolutely love making their girl happy and comfortable. A big smile and “Thanks!” from a girl I’m into, is the best possible thing in the whole world.
Never fake a laugh Don’t force a laugh or feign interest in what he’s saying. Just be yourself. I disagree with this. Don’t be TOTALLY fake, but a few laughs can really help break the ice, and will lead to more authentic laughs later.
Make the date last longer Suggest hanging out a little longer, coffee or another drink. At that point, it’s cool if she takes charge – spontaneous is sexy. It’s very assuring when a girl suggests hanging out longer. This makes that “Should I kiss this girl?” decision much less daunting.
Sep 172012
 

3 Phrases that get him to open up, p142, Sept 2012 Cosmo.

Instead of asking “What are you thinking”, Cosmo suggests the following questions to ‘get guys to talk’. That smacks of ‘waterboarding’. Guys don’t seek an emotional experience when talking. Guys create bonds by doing things together, often in complete silence. I’ve helped a friend move apartments for hours without saying a word. When guys talk, the purpose is to get enough information to a) make a decision, or to b) take action:

  1. “when is game” or
  2. “need oil for car” or
  3. “want food for mouth” or
  4. “Yes, hello, my name is Graham Wellington, the Turbowealthy. When I’ve sufficiently impressed you with my social status, please let me know, so we can start with the sex.”
If a guy asks another guy a bunch of questions, we want to accomplish something. Therefore, conversations feel strange when they do NOT have this purpose. Guys get wary. “Wait a minute, nobody talks just to ‘feel connected’… what does she REALLY want from me…”

Chances are that he likes you, and wants you to be happy. We are willing to knock out jerks, spend lots of money, and change your tire in the rain to make you happy/keep you safe. Talking seems pretty easy in the scheme of things.

Make sure you clearly explain that you are interested/fascinated/would love to hear about what he is doing with his life. He will not believe you, so you’ll have to interrupt every few minutes and ensure him that you REALLY enjoy it.

IMPORTANT: Stick to “hearing about you makes me happy” for starters. Do NOT say “talking makes me feel connected”. This makes you sound like an outright crazy person. Yes, guys want to feel a connection too, but just keep it simple initially.

OK, from Cosmo, three phrases that “get him to open up”:

Recommended question The real guy’s reaction A real guy’s suggestion
“Let me know if you need to vent” “What? Vent? Are you talking installing something in the bathroom/kitchen??” Do not ask this. It will confuse a guy. It’s my understanding that ‘venting’ means explaining a situation you have experienced, with the intent of releasing the emotion that comes with the frustation that is experienced. If this is true, guys don’t ‘vent’. If the problem is vented, not solved, the emotions will just crop up again. We want to fix, not vent. Try “You seem pissed/sad. Let me know if you want to explore some ways I can help to improve your situation.” That’s a sweet team to be on.
“I bet you killed that presentation today.” (intent is flattery) “Yes, I did” or “No, I got smacked”. Flattery doesn’t work with guys. At all. He either agrees with you, or he ignore what you said as empty flattery/a ridiculous under-assessment of our skills (since we are great). Better to ask “Do you want to talk about that presentation or not?” If not, the conversation can just move on – no sweat.
“I have to tell you this story…” (intent is that we’ll feel like sharing too) This is a very good idea. Guys love to tell stories. If the story you start with is brief, he will be interested for a short while NO MATTER WHAT THE SUBJECT IS, because YOU are telling it, and he likes you, so he thinks it’s worthwhile (at least initially). Keep stories very short (less than 2 minutes). Ask him if anything similar has happened. If not, try another 2 minute story.

In summary:

  1. He wants you to be happy.
  2. If you’d like to ‘get him to open up’, respect and understand that this is not guy style. Forcing this process will cause wariness and closure.
  3. Remind the guy, from a place of warmth (not desperation), that you enjoy hearing about what’s going on with him. It may help to say something like “Listen, I know it sounds crazy to just talk, but I’m interested to hear more”.
  4. Try some of the phrases I’ve listed – do not use what Cosmo suggests.
Last, guys who are frustrated in a relationship sometimes say “She starts conversations, just so she can do all the talking”. Try staying out of the conversation, see if this helps him build up momentum in the conversation.

Disclaimer:

Terri Orbuch and Tonya Reiman were sources for the Cosmo article. They know much more about this subject than I do, but it’s always worth incorporating another opinion… particularly from a guy.