Oct 062012
 

This post is inspired by a podcast with Neil and Abe, where we outlined the benefits of keeping the equipment used to support porn habits, entirely separate from your less-perverted life. The discussion started (at 24min) with utilizing a “porn-specific” internet browser. This browser would be some obscure software (Opera?) that no guest to your computer one would ever think to use. You would configure this browser to automatically delete your browsing history, and other such steps.

This spawned the idea of having an entirely separate computer or tablet, just for your porn. Consider the days when men hid a Playboy under the mattress. Now you just hide your porn-specific computer.

If you’re designing a Porn Tablet, include some features that make it outstanding at what it does. Should someone ‘ambitious’ try to design it, here’s some key options

  • a giant snooze bar that you can easily hit if someone walks in on you. Once you press this “snooze bar”, some other “non-porny” screen would show up automatically. Perhaps FoodNetwork, something sciency, or ESPN.
  • A Wi-Fi that hacks in to your neighbor’s network. Then, if the FBI tries to hunt you down for watching too much granny porn, your 58yo Armenian immigrant next door goes down in flames – not you.
  • Some sort of sensor that picks up when a spouse or parent is nearby, so you can toss some clothes over your perverted self.
  • Obviously, the entire thing should be washable, or waterproof, or something cool like that.
  • Optional 30 minute battery. This way, you can’t destroy your life because you are totally hooked to afore-mentioned granny porn.
  • Fingerprint scanner. If you scan in, it opens up your own disgusting, personalized desktop. Anyone elses fingerprint? Porn Tablet automatically opens to a session with a NY Times crossword and Forbes magazine article, making you appear like some super-serious intellectual to your nosey boy/girlfriend.
  • Optional vibrating ‘stylus’, if that’s your thing. Like the thing used in old Palm pilots, but better.
  • Maybe a wiper blade, to keep the screen clear with the touch of a button? Although, if anyone found a tablet with a wiper blade, that would beg a few questions, and your cover would be blown.
  • built in lube dispenser
  • headphones only – no speakers (since you don’t want this playing out loud). And you don’t need stereo for porn music – it’s pretty gross to hear that stuff in 5.1 surround sound. Mono would be fine.

That’s about it. Maybe it’s called the GuyPod or something.

Mar 222012
 

Abe and Neil join me to discuss Johnny Spanish’s Learn Spanish Podcast, summer internships in Boston, why Ohio sucks and Cleveland absolutely does NOT rock, why I want to pave Pennsylvania, junkyard strength, ultimate state fighting championship, getting a beer bottle broken over your face and then stabbed in the top of the head. This was recorded in Minneapolis, a stop by me and Neil on a cross country trip. While on the trip, we did many dumb things, like driving a Honda Civic into the middle of a frozen a lake (see photo).

Sedans on Ice - a poorly attended event. Me giving a thumbs down.

Feb 092012
 

Bruce Jenner is going to get ass whether we do him or not

Roy, Cinnamon, Griff discuss drunkest stories, Roy needing a new football bandwagon to jump on, the triple point (both hands and a foot), celebrities that we would barely sleep with, what cosmetic surgery would you want on someone, rabbit toys, anal hook ups, BJ or vay jay for the rest of the life, sound of people banging turn you on, and much much more.

Editor’s Picks:

“I’ve told you, I’ve only tried it once. And I was. Crying. Like a Chai ELD.” – Griff circa 32min.

Be a life-long learner:

If you want to get some ass, simply go to CheeseTique:

Cheesetique Del Ray (703.706.5300)
2411 Mt Vernon Ave, Alexandria, VA

Cheesetique Shirlington (703.933.8787)
4056 Campbell Ave. Arlington, VA

Feb 022012
 

Roy and friend dressed to kill at the Black and White party

Roy, Cinnamon, Griff join another wine tasting, and we discuss dumb and dumber outfits, Victorias Secret the Magazine, why “Afghanis don’t front”, Michael Tyson a as fat, angry 3rd grader who bit off his teacher’s ear, cankle liposuction, bull dozing a woman’s vay jay, two legged dog who is a motivational speaker, pooping on people who are drunk or homeless, speed hooking up instead of speed dating, key partys, hot people at harris teeter, girls hotter in groups – guys hotter in doubles, the “stare down eye lock”, panty dropping date places, the “dirty grab” (carnival claw) and a hell of a lot more.

Editors Pick(s):

“Are your panties as wet right now as mine would be if I had just taken a pee?” – Roy, circa 17min

“If only they sold dildos at Target.” Cinnamon circa 28min

Be a life-long learner!:

Letting red wines breathe is a waste of time (1, 2), and does not impact taste. Decanting only should be done to prevent sediment from getting in your glass, in wines like ports.

Cinnamon was kinda right – white wines may benefit from releasing the sulfur dioxide (SO2) odors. SO2 is used to prevent oxidation, so, don’t let white wine breathe unless you want it to turn brown.

Key party – males put their car keys in a bowl, and the female goes home in the car of whatever key they choose. I feel like someone would just steal my car at this party. The British version is where guys get a key and girls have a lock, and when you find that matching person and the key fits, you go bang.

Inspirational two legged dog, Dominic (below) – way cooler than this pathetic dog, Faith, seen on Oprah.

Jan 262012
 

Example of a Face Screensaver that I've seen while riding a bus

KC and Tony talk getting roofied, fighting hipsters on Ust, Irish goodbyes, giant NYE parties with a magician, trip to mexico – Guadalajara, taking a gun to express yourself and to shave with, Cancun, the Face Screensaver, Turducken soup being 3x times healthier than chicken noodle soup, strange breakups lines, head on collisions with yugos, being a dick on the highways, kitty genovese, vibrating tampons, abandoning the drinking age, prohibition, fruits that taste like vagina, and are doppelgangbangs a possiblility.

Ciao, Tony

 

Editor’s Picks: KC “A lot of things are weird. Take oysters for example; oysters are weird. You should probably leave.” (47:55)

Be a life-long learner:

Leprosy CAN be passed from person to person AND from armadillos (1 point for KC) and they were indeed quarantined on a Hawai’ian island ((1 point for Tony). A leper colony on Hawai’i – not a bad gig.

Kitty Genovese (the bystander effect): stabbed to death (original press release). A dozen people witnessed the event at 3:15am. The initial call to police was vague and didn’t cause alarm. The PERP returned 30 minutes later to finish the job. Second calls resulted in a squad car arriving within minutes. Quite a bit of controversy and misinformation surrounding this event. Mentioned in The Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell.

Alcoholism in primates: Here’s BBC Footage of monkeys stealing drinks at an island resort:

Jan 192012
 

DJ on Spring Break at Messiah College (or, what it seemed like)

DJ and Harry join to discuss DJ’s ambiguous ethnicity, turning down Ravens NFL luxury box playoff tickets, getting too high on pot brownies, dating site picture stalking, a love concierge service for picking up girls, keeping them happy, and helping through breakups, being a stranger at Irish Times, tipping on carry out food, how well our parents tolerate irreverence, attending ‘dry’ colleges (Messiah College), family roles with brothers and sisters, fuking (fart-puking), why girls seem to pee their pants laughing, hot farts, a girl wiping ass on guy’s jeans while making out, Tony’s gross-out of buttholes, and more.

 

Editors Pick(s): Harry: “DJ, you’re a very racially ambiguous fellow”, DJ “If security doesn’t pull me out of line, I think ‘you BETTER get guys who look like me'”

Be a life long learner: Peeing your pants while laughing DOES happen to girls more 2-5x more often than boys, and it’s called “giggle incontinence”. 25% of underage women have reported this happening at least once. It’s not too funny from what I’m reading. Some women of have had their life pretty turned upside down – from lifestyle changes to counseling. Actually sounds pretty horrible – a fun, laughing part of your life is now a source of constant dread. According to National Institute of Health , 569 of 1,421 children aged 5-15 showed some symptoms of involuntary tinkling. Exercises can help the problem, as may methylphenidate, (ie Ritalin)

Jan 122012
 

Swat team at my place

 

Chris and Roy exploring Plan B, potato guns, NASCAR real stock car racing, Fraggle Rock, parents partying, small town law enforcement, inter-office mail order brides, doppelgang-bang, consolidating public services, shady roommate and the SWAT team, strippers making $1 bill deposits at atlantic city, and more.

Hope you enjoy! Tony

Editor’s pick:  Roy :”I don’t have time to tuck in these $1 – I got a guy for that.” (47:10)

Be a Life Long Learner:

In building your own potato gun/tee shirt launcher, be sure you use schedule 40 PVC. It’s pressure rated, so it’s less likely to explode into your face, or rip off your hand. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyaZipWVjrE)

Screen shot from a video posted on youtube by "jiro9cuts0001"

Jan 062012
 

Old-Timey LASIK

Podcast about the last things we’d want to see before getting laser eye surgery, age range we would work at trader joes, fear of nanobots, pizza as a pizza topping, the pope’s first tweet, fluids to use in the bedroom, my “graduation” ceremony. We tried out Roy’s paper fortune teller and had a good time, despite not having any salmon.

All my love, Tony

 

Editors Pick: LB talks about my new favorite adjective, “stabby”.

Be a life long learner: 

Growth of Computing Power

Technological singularity – the time when super-smart computers design super smart things at an ever faster rate. Unlike physical things, like a population explosion in rabbits taking 10 years, technology/intelligence doesn’t need “time to grow”. This could theoretically mean that computer intelligence could get out of hand in a matter of days or even hours.

Nanobots (nanorobotics) – machines that are so tiny, that a nanobot working on a cell in the human body would be similar to working on a building. Additionally, you could inject a robot into your bloodstream, and they could do the work, and just get pee’d out or something.

Dec 222011
 

Abe and DJ discuss nuptials, terrible wedding gifts, crystal stemware and gravy boats, uniting the clans for better wedding gifts, when to write wedding thank yous, plaster of paris penis gifts, re-gifting the 1 year late wedding presents for your anniversary, how to repeat yourself, Dog the Bounty Hunter as wedding representation, recinding wedding gifts given to douche-y married couples, gift rape, smell over internet, rodeo of skills, pushups for party fouls, deal breakers for guys, butt mufflers, Certa’s new mattress which will neutralize farts in bed with that someone special, and fart bombing your mom as a child.  Enjoy!

Hugs and kisses, Tony

 

Be a life-long learner! Menorah – a 9 branched candle holder lit during the 8 day holiday. The 7 branched symbol is used in the ancient temple or otherwise.

Editors pick(s):

At 20:51, Tony says “eeuuuuwww” in response to Abe’s story about what makes girls amazing.

At 42:15 – DJ says “yeeessss…” in celebration of Tony’s news.

Dec 122011
 

tony as a young tow-head

DJ discusses horse tattoos, deer and horse hook-ups, personal grooming, hair coloring, chili cook-off bands, short hair, sinead o’connor, and some dating tips. He called me a “toe-head”, and I thought that might be an insult. According to UrbanDictionary, a tow-head:

has flaxen-hair, blonde or lightly-colored hair, as “Tow” fibers are flaxen, light colored.

Hope you enjoy the show.

-Tony

 

Oh yeah, here’s Sinead O’Connor withOUT hair. I couldn’t find anything of her in the younger years WITH hair.

Looking good with short hair