Oct 062012

This post is inspired by a podcast with Neil and Abe, where we outlined the benefits of keeping the equipment used to support porn habits, entirely separate from your less-perverted life. The discussion started (at 24min) with utilizing a “porn-specific” internet browser. This browser would be some obscure software (Opera?) that no guest to your computer one would ever think to use. You would configure this browser to automatically delete your browsing history, and other such steps.

This spawned the idea of having an entirely separate computer or tablet, just for your porn. Consider the days when men hid a Playboy under the mattress. Now you just hide your porn-specific computer.

If you’re designing a Porn Tablet, include some features that make it outstanding at what it does. Should someone ‘ambitious’ try to design it, here’s some key options

  • a giant snooze bar that you can easily hit if someone walks in on you. Once you press this “snooze bar”, some other “non-porny” screen would show up automatically. Perhaps FoodNetwork, something sciency, or ESPN.
  • A Wi-Fi that hacks in to your neighbor’s network. Then, if the FBI tries to hunt you down for watching too much granny porn, your 58yo Armenian immigrant next door goes down in flames – not you.
  • Some sort of sensor that picks up when a spouse or parent is nearby, so you can toss some clothes over your perverted self.
  • Obviously, the entire thing should be washable, or waterproof, or something cool like that.
  • Optional 30 minute battery. This way, you can’t destroy your life because you are totally hooked to afore-mentioned granny porn.
  • Fingerprint scanner. If you scan in, it opens up your own disgusting, personalized desktop. Anyone elses fingerprint? Porn Tablet automatically opens to a session with a NY Times crossword and Forbes magazine article, making you appear like some super-serious intellectual to your nosey boy/girlfriend.
  • Optional vibrating ‘stylus’, if that’s your thing. Like the thing used in old Palm pilots, but better.
  • Maybe a wiper blade, to keep the screen clear with the touch of a button? Although, if anyone found a tablet with a wiper blade, that would beg a few questions, and your cover would be blown.
  • built in lube dispenser
  • headphones only – no speakers (since you don’t want this playing out loud). And you don’t need stereo for porn music – it’s pretty gross to hear that stuff in 5.1 surround sound. Mono would be fine.

That’s about it. Maybe it’s called the GuyPod or something.

Mar 222012

Abe and Neil join me to discuss Johnny Spanish’s Learn Spanish Podcast, summer internships in Boston, why Ohio sucks and Cleveland absolutely does NOT rock, why I want to pave Pennsylvania, junkyard strength, ultimate state fighting championship, getting a beer bottle broken over your face and then stabbed in the top of the head. This was recorded in Minneapolis, a stop by me and Neil on a cross country trip. While on the trip, we did many dumb things, like driving a Honda Civic into the middle of a frozen a lake (see photo).

Sedans on Ice - a poorly attended event. Me giving a thumbs down.

Nov 272011

Arnold, the early years

Tonight’s podcast with guests¬†Neil, DJ, and KC features alien women, mandatory jobs for the 14-21 yo set, Popup Video for the porn industry, flavored birth control, voices in GPS navigation (if you choose Arnold’s voice, would it tell you to “get to the chopper” instead of “turn right”?), and more.

Please excuse the audio quality, we’re still working on balancing mics and removing background noise.

During our talk, there was dispute on:

a) does a female mantis eat its mate after intercourse?

Some evidence suggests “yes”:¬†Mantis eating mate

b) what is referenced in the phrase ‘rabbit done died’?

Wikipedia says “”The test consisted of injecting the (potentially pregnant) woman’s urine into a female rabbit, then examining the rabbit’s ovaries a few days later”, which required killing the rabbit to see the ovaries – so ALL rabbits would die.

Hope you enjoy the show!