Oct 092012

The scenario:

  1. Player A reaches to catch the ball thrown across the middle…
  2. … and the fans scream “KILL HIM!! RIP HIS HEAD OFF!!”
  3. Player A gets hit so hard by Player B that several pellets of Player A’s poop fill his pants… (that was alliteration, for those of you keeping track)
  4. The crowd roars with approval and excitement…
  5. …until Player A doesn’t get up
  6. Player B continues to bounce around, congratulating himself, as if he cured cancer. Nevermind that his  team is down by 4 touchdowns – making this play insignificant.
  7. As a result of the lifeless body, the crowd feels a bit ashamed that they screamed so loud for his death. There’s a murmur of concern
    Was that his spine there on the field? I’ve never seen a spine before, I don’t know…
  8. Several minutes later, Player A is carted off the field, seemingly ok…
  9. …while Player B continues to tell everyone how great he is. He does the “repeated low-5 slap” with any teammate that will pay attention to him.
  10. Player A, attempting to break the hushed, guilty silence, raises an arm, in a heroic THUMBS UP gesture.
  11. The crowd cheers a sigh of relief, clapping in encouragement.
    He can move his arm! He’s probably only paralyzed from the waist down! Yay!

“The reason you are in intense pain, is that you have many pins sticking out of your bones.”

What if Player A didn’t feeling like raising a thumb? Or, what if he felt pretty “Meh” about the whole situation? Would the hurt player give the “meh” shaking flat hand – “yeah, I’ve been better”. Maybe the player knows he won’t survive, and makes the thumbs down?

In ancient Rome, in the Colloseum, it was the “editor” who decided, based on his feelings and that of the crowd, whether a competitor would live or die. What if each stadium had an “editor” for the fallen athlete? Perhaps the mascot for the other team gets to decide whether Player A lives because of his mercy, or if he dies?

Roary, the Unmerciful Mascot

“Well Jim, they’ve stopped the stretcher on the way out of the stadium, where Mark Sanchez will have his fate decided by Roary, the Detroit Lion’s mascot. I gotta tell ya, I don’t like his chances here. OH – and sure enough! He gets the thumbs down!

“Yeah Tom, this is where the medics will euthanize Sanchez somewhere in the tunnel, and shuffle him off to dispose of his dead body somewhere outside the stadium in a dumpster. Tom, this isn’t all bad – at least this will free up some salary cap room for the Jets next year.”

Not sayin’ it would be good, or that I’d like it… but it would be interesting.

Feb 022012

Roy and friend dressed to kill at the Black and White party

Roy, Cinnamon, Griff join another wine tasting, and we discuss dumb and dumber outfits, Victorias Secret the Magazine, why “Afghanis don’t front”, Michael Tyson a as fat, angry 3rd grader who bit off his teacher’s ear, cankle liposuction, bull dozing a woman’s vay jay, two legged dog who is a motivational speaker, pooping on people who are drunk or homeless, speed hooking up instead of speed dating, key partys, hot people at harris teeter, girls hotter in groups – guys hotter in doubles, the “stare down eye lock”, panty dropping date places, the “dirty grab” (carnival claw) and a hell of a lot more.

Editors Pick(s):

“Are your panties as wet right now as mine would be if I had just taken a pee?” – Roy, circa 17min

“If only they sold dildos at Target.” Cinnamon circa 28min

Be a life-long learner!:

Letting red wines breathe is a waste of time (1, 2), and does not impact taste. Decanting only should be done to prevent sediment from getting in your glass, in wines like ports.

Cinnamon was kinda right – white wines may benefit from releasing the sulfur dioxide (SO2) odors. SO2 is used to prevent oxidation, so, don’t let white wine breathe unless you want it to turn brown.

Key party – males put their car keys in a bowl, and the female goes home in the car of whatever key they choose. I feel like someone would just steal my car at this party. The British version is where guys get a key and girls have a lock, and when you find that matching person and the key fits, you go bang.

Inspirational two legged dog, Dominic (below) – way cooler than this pathetic dog, Faith, seen on Oprah.

Jan 262012

Example of a Face Screensaver that I've seen while riding a bus

KC and Tony talk getting roofied, fighting hipsters on Ust, Irish goodbyes, giant NYE parties with a magician, trip to mexico – Guadalajara, taking a gun to express yourself and to shave with, Cancun, the Face Screensaver, Turducken soup being 3x times healthier than chicken noodle soup, strange breakups lines, head on collisions with yugos, being a dick on the highways, kitty genovese, vibrating tampons, abandoning the drinking age, prohibition, fruits that taste like vagina, and are doppelgangbangs a possiblility.

Ciao, Tony


Editor’s Picks: KC “A lot of things are weird. Take oysters for example; oysters are weird. You should probably leave.” (47:55)

Be a life-long learner:

Leprosy CAN be passed from person to person AND from armadillos (1 point for KC) and they were indeed quarantined on a Hawai’ian island ((1 point for Tony). A leper colony on Hawai’i – not a bad gig.

Kitty Genovese (the bystander effect): stabbed to death (original press release). A dozen people witnessed the event at 3:15am. The initial call to police was vague and didn’t cause alarm. The PERP returned 30 minutes later to finish the job. Second calls resulted in a squad car arriving within minutes. Quite a bit of controversy and misinformation surrounding this event. Mentioned in The Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell.

Alcoholism in primates: Here’s BBC Footage of monkeys stealing drinks at an island resort:

Jan 062012

Old-Timey LASIK

Podcast about the last things we’d want to see before getting laser eye surgery, age range we would work at trader joes, fear of nanobots, pizza as a pizza topping, the pope’s first tweet, fluids to use in the bedroom, my “graduation” ceremony. We tried out Roy’s paper fortune teller and had a good time, despite not having any salmon.

All my love, Tony


Editors Pick: LB talks about my new favorite adjective, “stabby”.

Be a life long learner: 

Growth of Computing Power

Technological singularity – the time when super-smart computers design super smart things at an ever faster rate. Unlike physical things, like a population explosion in rabbits taking 10 years, technology/intelligence doesn’t need “time to grow”. This could theoretically mean that computer intelligence could get out of hand in a matter of days or even hours.

Nanobots (nanorobotics) – machines that are so tiny, that a nanobot working on a cell in the human body would be similar to working on a building. Additionally, you could inject a robot into your bloodstream, and they could do the work, and just get pee’d out or something.

Dec 282011

Bill Illin' with The "Il"

Kim Jung Il was, by all accounts, a very bad dude. And not like “cool” bad, but “shipping off lots of people to their death for being short” bad. (irony: Kim Jung Il was ~5’3″, if Clinton is about 6’0″)

What is NOT frequently accounted is how TERRIBLE he was at PUTTING! Like Happy Gilmore terrible. According to 17 bodyguards, Mr. Il shot 11 holes-in-one the first time he played golf. Then he never played again. His score?

-38 under par. Assuming this was a par 72 course… He finished his round in an amazing 34 strokes! Wow, I think?  With 11 holes in one? Wait a minute… he must have been a shitty putter! Let’s say he got a hole in one on:

  • 3 out of 4 par 3s (hey, nobody’s perfect – even a guy who doesn’t poop)
  • 7 of the 10 par 4s
  • 1 of the 4 par 5s (remember, the guy is a god. and doesn’t poop)


Quick math shows that he took 23 strokes on the other 7 holes. Let’s say he double eagles (2 shots) two of the par 5s. That leaves 19 strokes for the other 5 holes – or all pars and one birdie. He must have had 3 and 4 putts per hole! I’m sure the person who made his putter died after that round.





Dec 272011

A rose by any other name would smell like A THROWING STAR!!!

Ron Artest is a good basketball player. Metta World Peace is a figment of the imagination, and does not exist. I had to tune in to ESPN today to see what they were calling Ron Artest, who changed his name on 9/16/2011 from Ron Artest to “Metta World Peace”.

Sure enough, announcers ACTUALLY SAY “World Peace” when passing and scoring. Kings Lakers 12-26-2011

If I were an announcer, I would just continue calling him Artest. What if the man changed his name to “Antidisestablishmentarianism” or “FuckTony”? I’m not saying those words. His name is Ron. Mine is Tony. His name doesn’t change. Mine doesn’t either.

OK, Chad Johnson changed his name to Chad OchoCinco. At least that was kinda funny/ridiculous.

And Prince changed his name to a symbol because his recording label wouldn’t let him use his name.

And Sean Combes – whom I respect on screen as a fun actor- please figure out a name

  • Puff Daddy? that’s dumb, but whatever.
  • P. Diddy? Wow you now sound like an arrogant prick, to the untrained ear
  • Diddy? Seriously? “Diddy”? You made a conscious decision for people to call you Diddy. Sean, that sounds like a name that a bully calls you in an attempt to mock your real name.)

Why not just do a nickname?

  • “Hey there, my name is Sean Combes, but people have been calling me DoubleDip lately.”
  • “Cool man, good to meet you. My name is Alabaster CreamPie, but people call me Tony.”

I have no problem with the words Metta (loving kindness) and World Peace sounds great too. I just can’t see changing your name just to fuck with people. After all, the man didn’t even show up in court to get the name changed himself, it can’t be that serious to him. It’s just stupid. And I don’t honor stupid things. Like speed limits, or social graces. Both are soundly ignored.

Perhaps he’s not to blame. Artest seems to be insane, or has a very strange sense of humor: (click here for a video of the interview)

And I was just like, wow, what if I lost my teeth, like, today? And I’m 32. You know? And then my new teeth would grow back in. You know? I was just thinking about that. And I was like, that’s really pretty brilliant; he actually thought about like people’s image and, you know, persona and things like that. ‘Cause you would be pretty ugly with no teeth at the age of 20, 18, you know? So not only did he build the world in seven days, seven nights, he also said, OK, let them lose their teeth early, rather than late.

Oh well. I hope you find contentment, Mr. Artest. THAT is my metta for you.



Nov 252011

Someone can be ‘funny (ha ha)’, or ‘funny (strange)’.

You can ‘look funny (ha ha)’ and ‘look funny (strange)’.

Things can taste ‘funny (strange)’. They usually don’t taste ‘funny (ha ha)’.
In summary, being “laughing with” is a good thing, and being “laughing at” is bad. (ie “I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you!” is good times.)

Can the same be said for being “mad with’, and ‘mad at’?

Funny (ha ha) vs Mad (ha ha)

Turns out it’s the opposite. “I’m not mad AT you, I’m mad WITH you.” is bad times.
If someone is “mad at” you, this means they want to bash your nose with something bulky, so it’s bad for YOU, not the other person.
If someone’s mad WITH you, that’s bad. It means you are both giving self-hugs in the cozy, white, canvas-y goodness called a straight jacket. (Or is it spelled “strait jacket”? Like “Dude – you’re in dire straits, put on this jacket so you don’t hurt yourself. No dude, you are not in the BAND Dire Straits, you are in mental dire straits because you THINK you’re in that band.”

Don't bring a knife to a bazooka fight. Not even at Catholic school.

‘Mad with’ you is definitely worse than being ‘mad at’ you. ‘Mad at’ means someone wants to do something short term to you. Your girlfriend is ‘mat at’ you, she may leave you for the homeless guy who wears an appealing amount of Aqua Di Gio. She may punch you in the face with a bazooka.

These things aren’t pleasant, but they are short term. It’s like ripping off a band-aid. Quick and painful. It’s not like dealing with a lifetime of mental Hokie Pokie, where you always are turning yourself around. No, not ripping off a band aide. Stealing from roadies is mean. It’s also unfruitful. If you are going to commit a crime, you want more payoff then just a scratched up iPod loaded with Widespread Panic songs, and a half-smoked reefer. And a half-eaten half smoke.

Perhaps I’ll discuss the nuances of ‘love’ vs ‘in love’ in a future post.