Sep 232012

I’m thinking the Girlfax mascot would be a cat, right?

If you’ve seen the Carfox mascot from Carfax commercials, you automatically hated it. However, the service offered by Carfax seems relatively valuable. It keeps sellers accountable, and it’s great to know the history and what to expect for the future, before entering in to a contract to own a vehicle.

What I could use is a Girlfax report for girls I’m dating, and I’m sure girls would pay twice as much as I would for this service, to get some information about guys.

This report would give some details about the following, based on reviews from previous partners:

  • Has there been any emotional frame damage which has been unsuccessfully addressed
  • Have previous owners needed to perform extensive maintenance to keep things running smoothly
  • Does the title come free and clear, with no outstanding claims to the rights
  • Have there been a history of extreme conditions which might cause eventual reliability issues
  • Has the ‘motor’ been well taken care of with routine maintenance

Ironically, I’d pay extra for a vehicle actually used in films I watch. A Girlfax report citing a long list of films I’ve seen that she’s been in would be… not a selling point.

 Posted by at 8:29 pm
Jan 092012

One cause of bad behavior

WARNING: If you are CURRENTLY being eaten by a bear, stop reading this, and use your phone to call for help instead. 

Healthy bears rarely attack humans. In the event of attack, the bear will be hunted down by park police and euthanized. Maybe this is a bear’s way of crying out for help. Perhaps these bears should be taken to rehab.


If you are being attacked by a bear, there are two camps that suggest what to do:

Illustration Steps My Impression

Fight back, dammit!

Camp #1: Fight like hell

  1. Poke and scratch the bear’s nose and eyes as hard as you can
  2. When the bear eats your face off, die with dignity
(This sounds like a really badass camp.)(I would get beat up in this camp.)

Why playing dead works

Camp #2: Play dead.

  1. Curl up into a fetal position, protecting your neck and stomach
  2. Lay motionless and silent
  3. When the bear eats your face off, die while pooping your pants.
(This is probably what I would do.)(Staying silent as the bear ate my sinuses seems unlikely.)

Ahhhh! Take THAT!


A 3RD, BETTER CAMP EXISTS.  (made popular by Grizzly Adams, re-introduced by Adam Carolla)

Camp #3: Blind the bear with a moneyshot

  1. Masturbate furiously.
  2. Wait until the bear is quite close to eating your face.
  3. Ejaculate all over the bear’s face, causing:
  • a stinging blindness (for the bear, not for you. masturbation does not cause loss of vision)
  • humiliation (papa bear), urge to towel off (mama bear), confusion (bi-curious bear)
  • pleasure (for you, not for the bear. Not even Meryl Streep could make a load to the eye seem enjoyable)

Sex as protection, not with protection


In a recent podcast with Greg Fitzsimmons, Adam Carolla suggested that every man should practice masturbating in a way that will prepare him to ejaculate under these very conditions. For the ladies out there, I have no advice for you. Just… wear protection.

(disclaimer – this would never, ever, never, ever, ever actually work. Ever. Unless you are Peter North, don’t take this seriously.)

XOXO, Tony

 Posted by at 2:44 am
Jan 042012

This pass to Hemingway was in the VT defenders hands

I was convinced that Virginia Tech would get crushed by Michigan in the 2011 Sugar Bowl. Speedy quarterbacks like Denard Robinson are not VT’s specialty. After the first half, it was evident that VT has a much stronger team than Michigan.

On the night, Michigan scored 3 times, on bush-league plays.

  • VT roughed the kicker on a 4th and 10, prolonging the drive which ended in a horrible pass for a touchdown.Michigan Quarterback Denard Robinson badly underthrew his receiver, the ball somehow bounced through the VT safety’s hands. And Instead of a turnover at midfield, the result was an entirely undeserved UM touchdown.
  • After VT fumbled the kickoff at their own 25 before halftime, UM got stuffed, botched a fake field goal, where two VT players bounced the ball in the air trying to catch it before UM miraculously caught the ball. Then UM scored a fieldgoal to end the first half.
  • A "look what I found?" catch, total fluke

    Michigan’s second touchdown came off a fluke point-blank interception at the VT 35. VT stuffed UM, got a pass interference call to continue the drive, and UM made a hail mary to the endzone, where Hemingway made a nice catch to put UM up an absurd 17-6.

Michigan only gained 56 rushing yards, and 72 legitimate passing yards. UM got 56 bush-league passing yards on the botched fake kick and the botched interception. UM had 184 yards for the game? Virginia Tech gave up as many defensive penalty yards (45yards) as rushing yards! (1 illegal block, 1 roughing the kicker, 1 pass interference)

Michigan was dominated on both sides of the ball. I was convinced it was a matter of time before VT just pounded Michigan into the ground. This VT loss was really shameful. Chalk it up to poor coaching by Beamer (penalties are always coaching problems, VT had 7 for 68 yards) and bad play calls (UM was playing the run all night, stop trying it! Logan Thomas had 7.6 yards per catch!). VT had 2 interceptions and a touchdown overturned, but those were probably good calls.

Anyway – this was the first time all year VT looked much better than the other team. Michigan got totally owned, and VT just had too many bad luck plays, tough calls, bad play calling (like trying for the tie instead of the win at the end of regulation) and crappy penalties to pull off the win.

I’d say “maybe next year”, but until VT gets rid of Beamer, their performance will be mired somewhere in the #15-#20 range. Oh sure, they’ll be ranked #6, but when VT plays a top quality team (not Michigan this year), they are exposed for their weakness.

Fishtankin’ Starbuck-face,



Dec 222011

All married couples want $200 cash, not this gift

Registries suck. Before I launch into a tirade, let me be clear that:

  • I place no blame on the soon-to-be-married. I get it – people find it uncomfortable to straight out ask “hey, what could I get you as a wedding present?”
  • a wedding registry is well-organized. The thought of deciding, on their own, what an appropriate/needed gift would be, is intimidating for old people. Maybe newly weds DO want a popcorn popper. The registry is a great way to let others know it’s already been purchased.

A registry is a great opportunity to shower newlyweds with gifts (perhaps $10,000 worth of gifts) that are often beyond the financial reach of a young couple. The crappy result of the registry is that newlyweds end up with a bunch of junk they don’t really need.

The REAL heart of the problem is that the socially acceptable dollar amount for the middle class to spend on a wedding gift ranges between $50-150, and people feel impersonal giving CASH. I have limited social awareness, so I give cash all the time. It has never been refused.

In an effort to give a more “personal” gift, people want to buy something tangible. Since we prefer the easy way out, the following happens:

  • Middle Class American: “Hello?”
  • Williams Sonoma: “Hi, my name is William. May I speak with someone attending the Johnson/Garcia wedding?”
  • MCA: “This is s/he. Is everything OK?”
  • WS: “Oh, everything is fine. I asked Johnson/Garcia for ideas on wedding gifts they want. Then, I listed these items on a website. We’ll remove items as they are purchased – so you know there are no duplicates. Have confidence your wedding present will be exactly what they need.”
  • MCA: “Oh, William, that is WONDERFUL! That’s always an uncomfortable conversation! Wait… this website only lets me buy things from your store – Williams Sonoma.”
  • WS: “Uh. Yes, that’s correct. And let me remind you that this is a list that your friends getting married CREATED. If the product is not on here, they probably don’t want it. Don’t bother looking anywhere else.”
  • MCA: “Oh. OK. Wait… they want $75 dinner plates? William, are you SURE they wouldn’t like season tickets to that comedy club, or 2 tickets to see their favorite team play?”
  • WS: “They didn’t indicate that on the list we provided for them. You run a HUGE risk if you get a different present.”
  • MCA: “Actually, that’s only what your website said. But, I’ll take your word for it. These things are right in that $50-150 range – how convenient!”

Williams Sonoma and Pottery Barn, then Target (for people who have poor friends/family, or at least think their family/friends are poor), have seized this emotional event as an opportunity to present the wedding couple with a buffet of things they don’t even want, but are all in the socially acceptable price range. Couples who get married after 18 years old, already have the crappy version of whatever silverware set, linens, cookware that was requested on a registry.

An Alternative:

Picture the following scenario instead:
1. 200 guests are invited to a wedding. 50% give $100 cash = $10,000.
2. With this money, newlyweds can do any of the following:
REGISTRY: get all the cookware/table settings/linens they could ever want (see previous scenario)
RESPONSIBLE: can pay off loans, pay for some of the wedding, make a down payment on a house.
ENJOYABLE: buy a nice used car, take a cruise, fund some of their honeymoon,

In comparison, the ONLY result of Williams Sonoma registry is a table full of Williams Sonoma things. I don’t actually know people who really buy things from Williams Sonoma, other than during a registry event.

In conclusion:

The cost of this social guilt is that newlyweds end up with lots of junk they will rarely use.

My suggestion: Think outside the box. Try the following:
1. Give money, and write a 1 page letter to both parties, expressing how happy you are for them, and why they mean so much to you.
2. Join forces with 10 friends, ask the couple what $1,000 gift they want, and then go get it for them.

Oh well. No one reading this will take this advice – which will frustrate the hell out of anyone reading this who might get married someday.


Dec 162011

Some people are in the market to buy a vehicle to haul kids and soccer equipment. It’s common to judge people in this social segment – but children, exercise, and team sports are all things I believe in. Let’s look at 2 transportation options for these people:

Option #1 Option #2
Note: sliding back seat, console between back seats Note: TWO sunroofs, climate control/arm rests for each seat
Note: cupholders in the middle console Note: weird sketch
Note: sliding/tilting bench seats Sliding/tilting bucket seats, extra speaker, window space
Note: DVD screen, reading lights Note: screen plays 2 DVDs on split screens (folded up)
Stuff getting stored Stuff getting stored, 9th seat (on left side)


Now… be honest with yourself… are there ANY advantages to the vehicle in the left column? And be honest again – deep down, you KNEW the minivan is going to be better. The vehicles shown

  • Option #1 (left): Toyota Sequoia SUV- $58,000 MSRP, 13city/17 hwy
  • Option #2 (right): Toyota Sienna minivan – $41,000 MSRP,  17 city /25 hwy (with the 3500lb tow package)

Who would pay 30% more for 30% less features, AND 40% higher fuel costs?

Toyota knows who would do this. On Toyota’s website, there are 17 pictures of the outside of the SUV, and 12 of the interior. There are 18 of the interior of the minivan. Toyota knows that people buying the SUV HONESTLY care about what they look like, not their actual, personal enjoyment of the vehicle. In economic costs, people who buy the SUV are saying:

“I’ll pay $17,000 more on sticker price, 40% more on gas, avoid getting a 2nd sunroof, or a 2nd DVD player just to appear TOUGH. Looking tough is worth $20,000 to me.”

In fact, if you’re worried about off road performance and towing capacity, you could buy a fucking pick up truck AND the Sienna minivan for the price of the Sequoia SUV!!

How many people would make this mistake in judgement, and buy an SUV?

According to sales figures, 2011 sales of the Sienna minivan are 99,000, and the Sequoia SUV are…. 11,000.

Well, shit. That’s not proving my point that people are rampantly vain and silly because they are buying more SUV’s than minivans. Hmmm… how about a slightly different spin…

Of the top 30 vehicles sold in the US in 2011…SEVEN are SUVs. (Ford Escape-Explorer-Edge, Chevy Equinox, Jeep Grand Cherokee, Toyota RAV4, Honda Pilot). NONE are minivans. THAT supports my point.

Sales rank for Nov 2011 Model November sales % change 2011 sales Year to Date change miles per gallon
#4 Ford Escape 21,823 46.10% 228,719 32.70% 20/27
#8 Honda Civic 17,133 3.40% 200,690 -13.50% 28/39
#9 Honda CR-V 16,426 -10.10% 196,787 9.00% 23/31
#10 Toyota Corolla 16,115 -0.5% 215,550 -10.2% 26/34
#15 Jeep Grand Cherokee 13,545 23.30% 110,938 53.40% 17/23
#18 Ford Explorer 12,888 217% 121,832 141% 17/23
#22 Toyota RAV4 11,330 -7.90% 118,130 -23.00% 21/27
#25 Honda Pilot 10,487 38.10% 104,656 13.80% 17/24
#28 Ford Edge 9685 -3.40% 109,625 2.10% 18/25

(Are you fucking kidding? Sales of fuel efficient models(Civic, Corolla) are DOWN, and the Escape is up 32%??? People are idiots. I can’t take it. Fuel taxes should implemented to drive the cost of fuel up to $9.00/gallon.)

In summary: Join me in making fun of people who drive SUVs. Let’s celebrate the minivan drivers. Together, we can expose the SUV ignorance! People will be less likely to try to purchase toughness… with a car!



Disclaimer: I do not own a minivan, I drive a 2006 Honda Civic sedan that gets 40mpg. I eagerly await the day that I can trick some woman into marriage, and subsequently having children with me. Then I can justify owning a minivan!

mpg of the car # people riding gallons of gas used per 100 miles $/gallon cost per 100 miles cost per person per 100 miles
40 1 2.5 $4 $10 $10
20 1 5 $4 $20 $20
40 2 2.5 $4 $10 $5
20 4 5 $4 $20 $5

Note: I wanted to do this post about Ford vehicles, as I’m impressed with Ford’s progress in quality over the last 10 years. They don’t make a minivan. Dammit!  If I can’t fool anyone into marriage, thereby not needing a minivan, my next car will be a Ford!

Here’s the split-screen DVD player, FYI:
Sep 212011

How can society best utilize people with “dirtbag strength”? Just sitting around in the laundrymat and collecting welfare is a waste of talent.

Dirtbags have a shockingly powerful ability in athletics. The dirtbag has been known for feats like throwing a kickball at over 240km/hr. With little more than access to McDonald’s breakfast and stolen whiskey from a passed-out step-parent, these dirtbags could be unleashed on the most dangerous regions on the planet.

Instead of spending millions on drones, just send in dirtbags with kickballs to dismantle entire terrorist cells. Robotic drones have been programmed to avoid missions that are too dangerous to avoid losses of expensive equipment. However, the Dirtbag Sniper has literally no filter and will eagerly tackle any mission. It’s as if the dirtbag does not WANT to survive – and attacks each mission with a fervor of someone who is eager to put the memories of alcoholic parents and childhood ridicule far behind them.

Just a thought.