Dec 162011

Some people are in the market to buy a vehicle to haul kids and soccer equipment. It’s common to judge people in this social segment – but children, exercise, and team sports are all things I believe in. Let’s look at 2 transportation options for these people:

Option #1 Option #2
Note: sliding back seat, console between back seats Note: TWO sunroofs, climate control/arm rests for each seat
Note: cupholders in the middle console Note: weird sketch
Note: sliding/tilting bench seats Sliding/tilting bucket seats, extra speaker, window space
Note: DVD screen, reading lights Note: screen plays 2 DVDs on split screens (folded up)
Stuff getting stored Stuff getting stored, 9th seat (on left side)


Now… be honest with yourself… are there ANY advantages to the vehicle in the left column? And be honest again – deep down, you KNEW the minivan is going to be better. The vehicles shown

  • Option #1 (left): Toyota Sequoia SUV- $58,000 MSRP, 13city/17 hwy
  • Option #2 (right): Toyota Sienna minivan – $41,000 MSRP,  17 city /25 hwy (with the 3500lb tow package)

Who would pay 30% more for 30% less features, AND 40% higher fuel costs?

Toyota knows who would do this. On Toyota’s website, there are 17 pictures of the outside of the SUV, and 12 of the interior. There are 18 of the interior of the minivan. Toyota knows that people buying the SUV HONESTLY care about what they look like, not their actual, personal enjoyment of the vehicle. In economic costs, people who buy the SUV are saying:

“I’ll pay $17,000 more on sticker price, 40% more on gas, avoid getting a 2nd sunroof, or a 2nd DVD player just to appear TOUGH. Looking tough is worth $20,000 to me.”

In fact, if you’re worried about off road performance and towing capacity, you could buy a fucking pick up truck AND the Sienna minivan for the price of the Sequoia SUV!!

How many people would make this mistake in judgement, and buy an SUV?

According to sales figures, 2011 sales of the Sienna minivan are 99,000, and the Sequoia SUV are…. 11,000.

Well, shit. That’s not proving my point that people are rampantly vain and silly because they are buying more SUV’s than minivans. Hmmm… how about a slightly different spin…

Of the top 30 vehicles sold in the US in 2011…SEVEN are SUVs. (Ford Escape-Explorer-Edge, Chevy Equinox, Jeep Grand Cherokee, Toyota RAV4, Honda Pilot). NONE are minivans. THAT supports my point.

Sales rank for Nov 2011 Model November sales % change 2011 sales Year to Date change miles per gallon
#4 Ford Escape 21,823 46.10% 228,719 32.70% 20/27
#8 Honda Civic 17,133 3.40% 200,690 -13.50% 28/39
#9 Honda CR-V 16,426 -10.10% 196,787 9.00% 23/31
#10 Toyota Corolla 16,115 -0.5% 215,550 -10.2% 26/34
#15 Jeep Grand Cherokee 13,545 23.30% 110,938 53.40% 17/23
#18 Ford Explorer 12,888 217% 121,832 141% 17/23
#22 Toyota RAV4 11,330 -7.90% 118,130 -23.00% 21/27
#25 Honda Pilot 10,487 38.10% 104,656 13.80% 17/24
#28 Ford Edge 9685 -3.40% 109,625 2.10% 18/25

(Are you fucking kidding? Sales of fuel efficient models(Civic, Corolla) are DOWN, and the Escape is up 32%??? People are idiots. I can’t take it. Fuel taxes should implemented to drive the cost of fuel up to $9.00/gallon.)

In summary: Join me in making fun of people who drive SUVs. Let’s celebrate the minivan drivers. Together, we can expose the SUV ignorance! People will be less likely to try to purchase toughness… with a car!



Disclaimer: I do not own a minivan, I drive a 2006 Honda Civic sedan that gets 40mpg. I eagerly await the day that I can trick some woman into marriage, and subsequently having children with me. Then I can justify owning a minivan!

mpg of the car # people riding gallons of gas used per 100 miles $/gallon cost per 100 miles cost per person per 100 miles
40 1 2.5 $4 $10 $10
20 1 5 $4 $20 $20
40 2 2.5 $4 $10 $5
20 4 5 $4 $20 $5

Note: I wanted to do this post about Ford vehicles, as I’m impressed with Ford’s progress in quality over the last 10 years. They don’t make a minivan. Dammit!  If I can’t fool anyone into marriage, thereby not needing a minivan, my next car will be a Ford!

Here’s the split-screen DVD player, FYI:
Dec 142011

Oh yeah? Well, how about THIS

I enjoy reading Seth Godin’s blog about creativity, the power of people, and authentic marketing. He just wrote a post titled “Insulate yourself – from anonymous angry people” and one idea is to…

Expose yourself to art you don’t yet understand

My initial instinct can be seen in the rough clip art here. This would be the subsequent headline:

Idiot-Man arrested, then beaten, for exposing himself to new art:

As I discovered while looking for good images to be used for my clip art, this isn’t a new concept/joke. However, I also stumbled on the following picture gag(?):

Fake flashing? But kinda not?

So… when undergarments look THAT close to the real deal… and they are positioned in the same exact area.. on a real live person….

I would argue this ACTUALLY indecent exposure – according to the definition- right? Here’s the test – would a child think that this woman was naked? Probably. Would that child care? Probably not. So… should we have a law against this sort of thing? Probably not. Laws can be dumb. I only comply with the sensible ones.

I mean, seriously, who really cares if someone stands in front of you, buck naked?  Actually, I take that back. If this woman did it, I’d be fine with it. But there are some people that should not be naked. Ever. Never ever. Even in the shower – they should wear a full parka.

Um. "Go England", I guess?

My last question – if that woman in a trench coat is NOT considered naked…

What about Abbey Clancey, seen to the right? She seems like a nice, hard-working girl – both a musician and seen on cooking shows. I’m sure she would never break the law by harming others in showing her naked body in public. In her body paint shown here, she certainly seems more clothed than the trench-coated girl. I think body paint is more acceptable in public than fake naked outfits.

By the way – in this picture Abbey Clancy does not seem to doing anything illegal. However, as a man of science, she looks like she is defying both the laws of physics and the laws of biology. I don’t believe in religion, therefore “she’s an angel” isn’t an acceptable explanation of what’s happening here either. Abbey – I have some questions for you, call me to explain yourself.

Well… that post took a strange turn. Let’s stop it here before things get weird.


Dec 132011

For men: Bacon vodka: For women: Viagra vodka

Girls, have you ever had your eye on a guy at a local watering hole? Does he ever get so drunk, that he’ll bed you, only to experience equipment failure? Have you ever thought “Why can’t women reverse roles for a change and take advantage of drunk GUYS?”

The Great Equalizer:

Viagra infused Vodka, or drop Cialis your target’s drink. When you get back to his place, and he passes out, you can still jump on his junk! Trust me, he would/does do the same thing if the… genitals were on the other… position.

How to do this:

Step 1: Have your shady bartender to make that next “vodka soda” with Viagra infused Vodka OR you can drop a Cialis in when he’s not looking. A roofie won’t be necessary – I’m sure he’ll nail you when he’s drunk enough. It’s guy-code.

Step 2: Go back to his place, and wait until he passes out.

Step 3: Jump his junk, then leave his shitty apartment immediately.

I’m sure I’m missing some details here. Unfortunately, I try not to take advantage of women, and I am not a rapist, so I don’t know the DEETS. I don’t play one on TV either. And even after staying at a Holiday Inn Express (lawsuit forth-coming), I could not perform that hate crime with convincing gusto. In addition, I cannot consult a known rapist for details, don’t network with this sort of person. Please – don’t misunderstand me, I’m sure SOMEONE I know is a terrible person – it just doesn’t come up over Sunday brunch.  (“Hey, did you emotionally disfigure anyone this weekend?”).

Man, I’m glad to get this posted before the holidays!


Fun facts:

It appears what I’ve described above is not a felony – but penetration of any kind (oralanalvaginal) with an unconscious person of any gender is a felony. No “finishing up”, you bastards!

Above WOULD be sexual assault.  According to The National Center for Victims of Crime:

“when someone touches any part of another person’s body in a sexual way, even through their clothes, without that person’s consent.”

Lastly, if you or anyone you know have been an actual victim of this sexual assult or rape – get some frikkin support! Yeah, you might psychologically recover on your own in 20 years, but why wait? Also, the physical and medical trauma is not to be ignored. Here’s some groups to contact for help:

The National Center for Victims of Crime: (NCVC) 202-467-8700

Sexual Assault Support Services (SASS): (888) 747-7070

Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network: RAINN – 800.656.HOPE(4673)

Sexual Assault Crisis and Support Center – 207-377-1010

Crisis Call Center – 800-992-5757    or    800-273-8255   or   775-784-8090

Nov 302011

Attraction Curve - graphing mental vs physical attraction

I love this graph of relationship potential, mentioned in a blog at FastCompany, and found on a website called The name of that website is funny for enough reasons to justify a blog post on it’s own, but let me focus on the graphic. When I walk through the scenarios captured by this graphic, I think you’ll see the perfection.

DISCLAIMER: All positions on this graphic assume that the person being graphed, enjoys being with YOU. If you are a girl (doubtful – girls hate this blog), accept that this is written from “pig-headed guy” perspective. It’s the only perspective I possess. Keep an open mind – you may still be able to identify with the examples I present.

No mental attraction (not fun), no physical attraction (not hot):

Not fun, not hot people are a painful experience. That is a TRUTH.

Example: waiting for a bus next to an insane, homeless person shouting at at god, and calling him by god’s first name, Frank.

Increasing fun, zero hot:

Rarely fun, zero hot: This can be painful from time to time – (ex. the socially awkward friend).

Always fun, zero hot: “Hmm, my friend Ugly Sasha is sooo fun, maybe we should date?”. When Sasha’s blistering hot sister shows up, you remember how un-good dating Ugly Sasha would be.

Quite fun, and fractionally cute: This is a “work hot” scenario. Things get a little “urge-y” when you’re together for a while, or when drunk. This wears off quickly when you aren’t at happy hour or at work.

Increasing hotness, zero fun:  

Rarely hot, zero fun: You catch a glimpse of the person at the copier, or in dim lighting and they move out of the pain zone, but usually, it hurts.

Always hot, never fun. You can’t stand this person, it’s all about the sex, and might even be “angry sex”. On the far end, you think”Sasha’s blistering hot sister is typically a giant bitch, but she looks awesome when she’s laying there like a dead fish. She’s been less irritating today… maybe we’d be good together?”. Then she kicks your puppy in the face.

Really cute, rarely fun: Awkwardness occurs when one person finally realizes they’ve always wanted something more. Also known as the “shotgun wedding”.

Increasing hotness, Increasing fun:

Rarely hot, rarely fun: Never painful, you can always tolerate these people.

Sorta hot, sorta fun: You definitely date this person. Everyone’s happy for a while. You may discover unacceptable pockets of “not-hot” or “not-fun”, which causes you break up. Example: they have sex with both your parents, without your consent, and without you. Or, you were tricked by careful clothing selection or how they made a last-ditch effort in personal hygiene that can’t be maintained. Example: Spanks/Padded/Water/Underwire bras/the one tailored shirt/pants, or unwilling to shave(anywhere)/shower/brush teeth.

Quite hot, quite fun: Wedding bells.

Top-score hot, maximum fun: Doesn’t exist. People who are really fun, lead a lifestyle that does not lead to a chiseled frame. People who are very good looking, do not need to put in the effort to be really fun, or they’re not seeking the “equipment” your sex can bring to the table.

Now what?

Someone has proposed ranking everyone you know on this spectrum. While personally I feel icky considering this level of judgment, I would not judge anyone else for engaging in such an exercise.

Ladies, if you are still reading, I invite your perspective on this. What do you think? Does this apply for both sexes?

Sep 252011

When I get around to getting LASIK, I will finally be able to see which things on my floor are poop, and which things are not poop. Some people complain “Oh yeah, I can’t see the alarm clock when I wake up.” If I could wake up on time, that might be a bigger problem. My biggest complaint is that I don’t want to experience the cold squish of hours old dog poop between my toes in the morning.

Bear with me as I explain.

I have a dog who is not reliably house-broken. This is partially because he was abused as a pup before I adopted him, and he has a wretched case of separation anxiety. However, plenty of people have this same situation, and it’s not a problem for them.

Dogs like structure. They like going for walks at the same time every day, they like the same food, they like an owner that is predictable and does the same stuff every day.

I hate structure. When I see patterns or traditions, I immediately look for ways to dismantle them. I’m always starting projects around the house, and bringing in 2x4s or tearing out walls. The dog goes insane with fear. This used to annoy me, and then I realized that 99.97% of the world comes home after work, goes through the same routine every day, and the dog knows what to expect.

For me, sometimes I sleep from 4pm-6am, and sometimes I don’t sleep at all at night. Sometimes we go to the dog park for hours. Sometimes we don’t. Sometimes his food bowl is in the bathroom, and the next month it’s under the piano, and the next month I’m trying it outside.

Needless to say, the total and utter lack of structure for the dog creates the ideal environment for pooping on the floor.

Enter my messiness. I have socks scattered on the floor, perhaps a watch, a heap of RCA wires, maybe a shoe.

Enter the dog and his terrible gas. Once, I woke up because I thought the house was on fire. Turns out that the smell of burning wires and paint was actually my dog farting at night. It’s horrendous. I’ve heard of things smelling so bad that paint peels off the walls. This is beyond that – it’s actually putting a green film up over the paint that is peeling from general life-chaos.

Enter my blindness. When I wake up and try to find my contacts (wherever the hell I took them out the night before), every dark thing on the white tile looks kinda like dog poop.

Enter the lack of house-broken-ness. There’s a 21% chance that I’ve gotten the dog thrown off his schedule, and he needed to go out at a time that I wasn’t around. So… he has left me a surprise somewhere.

In conclusion – the room smells like poop. There are dark things on the floor. I can’t see if these things are socks or poop. And, some where, some morning, one of those dark, out-of-focus things, will actually BE poop. Unfortunately, it will probably take a poop toe-massage to get me excited enough to go get the surgery.


Sep 212011

How can society best utilize people with “dirtbag strength”? Just sitting around in the laundrymat and collecting welfare is a waste of talent.

Dirtbags have a shockingly powerful ability in athletics. The dirtbag has been known for feats like throwing a kickball at over 240km/hr. With little more than access to McDonald’s breakfast and stolen whiskey from a passed-out step-parent, these dirtbags could be unleashed on the most dangerous regions on the planet.

Instead of spending millions on drones, just send in dirtbags with kickballs to dismantle entire terrorist cells. Robotic drones have been programmed to avoid missions that are too dangerous to avoid losses of expensive equipment. However, the Dirtbag Sniper has literally no filter and will eagerly tackle any mission. It’s as if the dirtbag does not WANT to survive – and attacks each mission with a fervor of someone who is eager to put the memories of alcoholic parents and childhood ridicule far behind them.

Just a thought.