Apr 252013

Wait. Is this soda, or alcohol?

I drank most of a 6pk of Mikes Hard Lemonade this week. I take solace in the fact that I’m still a man, because I didn’t buy it – my roommate did. On the other hand, I’m a coward, a thief, and an alcoholic, because I’m only drinking it alone.

A friend of mine once drank this beverage stridently… defiantly… in spite of the ridicule being heaped on him as he hammered down this girlie drink. In response to why he drank is, he merely replied in contented tone “Sht’s good, man.”

How do you argue with that? At 5% alcohol, he was definitely getting drunk. It’s hard to pick on someone, when they seem so happy doing something. It’s even harder when you become jealous that you aren’t doing that thing you ridiculed.

By the way, he wasn’t lying. The stuff IS good. That’s because the sugar content is so high. It is essentially pink maple syrup with a screw top bottle.

My teeth are rotting out of my head, owing thanks to awful Welsh/Irish heritage. I shudder to think what happened when cousins snuggled around the fire in Northern Europe on cold nights. It did not help the diversity of my family’s gene pool. For this reason, I typically avoid sugars, so my teeth don’t get mushier any faster than their basal rate.



This ain’t your Daddy’s breakfast drink

Upon looking up the nutritional data, I see that Mikes Harder Lemonade has friggin 390 calories. That’s insane. I think most fast food hamburgers only have like 250 calories.

I also see that the website has offered to add this drink to a food diary. Since it was slotted for “Breakfast”, the website thinks (knows) I have a drinking problem. But, what they DON’T know, is that I drank more than 1 “can” for breakfast. Suckers.


 Posted by at 3:25 pm
Oct 092012

The scenario:

  1. Player A reaches to catch the ball thrown across the middle…
  2. … and the fans scream “KILL HIM!! RIP HIS HEAD OFF!!”
  3. Player A gets hit so hard by Player B that several pellets of Player A’s poop fill his pants… (that was alliteration, for those of you keeping track)
  4. The crowd roars with approval and excitement…
  5. …until Player A doesn’t get up
  6. Player B continues to bounce around, congratulating himself, as if he cured cancer. Nevermind that his  team is down by 4 touchdowns – making this play insignificant.
  7. As a result of the lifeless body, the crowd feels a bit ashamed that they screamed so loud for his death. There’s a murmur of concern
    Was that his spine there on the field? I’ve never seen a spine before, I don’t know…
  8. Several minutes later, Player A is carted off the field, seemingly ok…
  9. …while Player B continues to tell everyone how great he is. He does the “repeated low-5 slap” with any teammate that will pay attention to him.
  10. Player A, attempting to break the hushed, guilty silence, raises an arm, in a heroic THUMBS UP gesture.
  11. The crowd cheers a sigh of relief, clapping in encouragement.
    He can move his arm! He’s probably only paralyzed from the waist down! Yay!

“The reason you are in intense pain, is that you have many pins sticking out of your bones.”

What if Player A didn’t feeling like raising a thumb? Or, what if he felt pretty “Meh” about the whole situation? Would the hurt player give the “meh” shaking flat hand – “yeah, I’ve been better”. Maybe the player knows he won’t survive, and makes the thumbs down?

In ancient Rome, in the Colloseum, it was the “editor” who decided, based on his feelings and that of the crowd, whether a competitor would live or die. What if each stadium had an “editor” for the fallen athlete? Perhaps the mascot for the other team gets to decide whether Player A lives because of his mercy, or if he dies?

Roary, the Unmerciful Mascot

“Well Jim, they’ve stopped the stretcher on the way out of the stadium, where Mark Sanchez will have his fate decided by Roary, the Detroit Lion’s mascot. I gotta tell ya, I don’t like his chances here. OH – and sure enough! He gets the thumbs down!

“Yeah Tom, this is where the medics will euthanize Sanchez somewhere in the tunnel, and shuffle him off to dispose of his dead body somewhere outside the stadium in a dumpster. Tom, this isn’t all bad – at least this will free up some salary cap room for the Jets next year.”

Not sayin’ it would be good, or that I’d like it… but it would be interesting.

Jan 222012

From "ASSeenOnTV.com"

“Just because you’re busy doesn’t mean you can’t look sharp! Put your best self out there and wear your PajamaJeans®!” -Henry David Thoreau, “Walden

Sometimes, life changes for the worse. Sometimes, for the better. And sometimes, life gives you something so amazing, you have a few seizures trying to wrap your head around the perfection of it all.

Here are the selling points for PajamaJeans®. WARNING: Do not read all of these selling points at one sitting, you WILL explode into pleasure-flames:

These are NOT pleasure-flames

  • Designer Look (see picture. no, the other picture)
  • Brass Rivets (a precious metal, particularly in a down economy)
  • European Styling (YES!!)
  • High Contrast Stitching (I… I just don’t know what this means. I’m sorry.)
  • DormiSoft™ Fabric (“Dormi” means “Sleep”. “Soft” means “Soft”)
  • Soft as Cotton (wait… the PajamaJeans® are MADE from cotton, right? Still.. I’m very impressed.)
  • No Zippers/Buttons (HOW DOES THIS WORK???)
  • Grey Crewneck Tee. You get an ENTIRE outfit! (what the what? this MUST be a marketing first. Why not just throw in the undies too?)

Too good to be true?  Probably so! But here’s some testimonials, VERBATIM from the site:

You’ll wonder how you can go back to wearing tight, or rough feeling jeans! By kakirita, from West Palm Beach, Fl. A “Budget Buyer”, with a 30min beauty routine:

What? Rough? You know… until now, I never knew my jeans were so unbearable. Thanks, PajamaJeans®!


Nobody has every picked up on the fact that they’re not real jeans, and I’ve actually had compliments on them. By Denim Diva, from Jacksonville, FL, a “Brand Buyer”, with a 30min beauty routine.

Of COURSE you’ve ACTUALLY had compliments on them – they are BETTER than ‘real’ jeans… they are PajamaJeans®! Thanks, PajamaJeans®!


these are so comfortable, totally in love with them. Wish they didnt cost as much as they do but they were worth it. By Jamie, from Lynchburg, Va, with a 10min beauty routine

I don’t know how much you typically spend on clothing, but $39.95 for PajamaJeans®, AND a grey crewneck shirt is a great price. Thanks, PajamaJeans®!


Come on, we need more colors ! I would own every color ! Even walked my dog in them ! This was a great Christmas gift! By Boni, from PA, a Budget Buyer, with a 30min beauty routine

Wow, Boni is excited!! I don’t know what “walked the dog” means, but I hope you washed those ‘jeans’ when you were done. Thanks, PajamaJeans®!


In summary, PajamaJeans® are amazing and wonderful.

  • If you haven’t burst into pleasure flames yet, why haven’t you bought some!
  • If you did buy some, why are you still reading – and not out being AWESOME and COMFORTABLE with your new, European styling????
  • And if you aren’t reading anymore, then..
  • you won’t see me picking my nose, with my fork.

Ciao, Tony


Jan 172012

The standard definition of a "dominant person's" handshake

I have a theory about handshakes that I’m in the process of testing out. My research methods are pretty slack, but I’m still finding some correlation between the ROTATION of the handshake and the person’s attitude.

I don’t propose that the other handshake analyses are invalid or inaccurate, but I think my look at ‘rotation’ gives some new data to consider. Additionally, people have had time to adapt to existing theories; wimpy people artificially try to make a firm handshake, hoping to look more confident. Shifty people try to hold eye-contact longer to trick people into trusting them. My theory is totally new, people have not heard of it and can’t adapt to the system yet.


Image of handshake My description of what’s happening

The Neutral Grip

The Neutral Grip handshake.

The palm is not rotated up or down, but it’s at 0*.

My hypothesis is that this handshake belongs to someone who is middle of the road in terms of trying to support and trying to lead.


The Closed Grip Handshake.

The girl is exhibiting the Closed Grip, with her palm rotated down.

My hypothesis is that this grip belongs to someone who is looking to run the show, and want to make sure things get done the way they think is best.


The Open Grip Handshake.

The palm is rotated to be slightly upturned.

My hypothesis is that this handshake belongs someone who is accommodating, and seeks to serve others and put people at ease.

My reaction to these grips? During handshakes, I force everyone to a neutral grip.

Why? I’m an asshole, and I want people to feel uncomfortable. I want to shake the confidence of a leader, and I want to make a follower feel like they are going to need to stick out their neck, thereby getting really nervous.

The effect? None. It’s just a handshake. Nothing changes, until I start humping someone’s leg. Then, they think I’m trying to be pack leader.


Jan 152012

I’m struggling with the following concept:

“It’s OK to kill someone, but it’s morally reprehensible to pee* on them.”

I understand that people die during warfare. Most American’s would be willing shoot someone if the US was being invaded. You could make the case that the US troops are being told to invade other countries, but I digress.

What I can’t quite follow, is that people who watch the tape of marine’s “peeing” on the bodies of dead Taliban members and are angry about the second act, and not the first. We fast-forward past the killing people part – and I don’t see how this is possible. In the scope of things, I think a man’s child would prefer his father getting peed on, over him getting shot in the chest.

In fact, some people have a fetish with getting peed on, and pay good money for a golden shower, or ‘water sports’.

What if these guys had yelled racial slurs at the dead bodies instead? We’re losing sight of the real horrors of war. Terrible wounds, death, destruction. Let’s list those bad parts of war BEFORE watching this tape, and see where urination falls.

*Side note – I looked for a urine stream and soaked clothes in the video, but I didn’t see any. Sure, the intent was there, but I don’t think these guys actually pulled off the act. That would suck to have your entire life and reputation ruined for an act you weren’t even able to make happen. I mean, getting shot in the chest would suck MORE, but still. It would be bad.


 Posted by at 1:59 pm
Dec 282011

Bill Illin' with The "Il"

Kim Jung Il was, by all accounts, a very bad dude. And not like “cool” bad, but “shipping off lots of people to their death for being short” bad. (irony: Kim Jung Il was ~5’3″, if Clinton is about 6’0″)

What is NOT frequently accounted is how TERRIBLE he was at PUTTING! Like Happy Gilmore terrible. According to 17 bodyguards, Mr. Il shot 11 holes-in-one the first time he played golf. Then he never played again. His score?

-38 under par. Assuming this was a par 72 course… He finished his round in an amazing 34 strokes! Wow, I think?  With 11 holes in one? Wait a minute… he must have been a shitty putter! Let’s say he got a hole in one on:

  • 3 out of 4 par 3s (hey, nobody’s perfect – even a guy who doesn’t poop)
  • 7 of the 10 par 4s
  • 1 of the 4 par 5s (remember, the guy is a god. and doesn’t poop)


Quick math shows that he took 23 strokes on the other 7 holes. Let’s say he double eagles (2 shots) two of the par 5s. That leaves 19 strokes for the other 5 holes – or all pars and one birdie. He must have had 3 and 4 putts per hole! I’m sure the person who made his putter died after that round.





Dec 272011

A rose by any other name would smell like A THROWING STAR!!!

Ron Artest is a good basketball player. Metta World Peace is a figment of the imagination, and does not exist. I had to tune in to ESPN today to see what they were calling Ron Artest, who changed his name on 9/16/2011 from Ron Artest to “Metta World Peace”.

Sure enough, announcers ACTUALLY SAY “World Peace” when passing and scoring. Kings Lakers 12-26-2011

If I were an announcer, I would just continue calling him Artest. What if the man changed his name to “Antidisestablishmentarianism” or “FuckTony”? I’m not saying those words. His name is Ron. Mine is Tony. His name doesn’t change. Mine doesn’t either.

OK, Chad Johnson changed his name to Chad OchoCinco. At least that was kinda funny/ridiculous.

And Prince changed his name to a symbol because his recording label wouldn’t let him use his name.

And Sean Combes – whom I respect on screen as a fun actor- please figure out a name

  • Puff Daddy? that’s dumb, but whatever.
  • P. Diddy? Wow you now sound like an arrogant prick, to the untrained ear
  • Diddy? Seriously? “Diddy”? You made a conscious decision for people to call you Diddy. Sean, that sounds like a name that a bully calls you in an attempt to mock your real name.)

Why not just do a nickname?

  • “Hey there, my name is Sean Combes, but people have been calling me DoubleDip lately.”
  • “Cool man, good to meet you. My name is Alabaster CreamPie, but people call me Tony.”

I have no problem with the words Metta (loving kindness) and World Peace sounds great too. I just can’t see changing your name just to fuck with people. After all, the man didn’t even show up in court to get the name changed himself, it can’t be that serious to him. It’s just stupid. And I don’t honor stupid things. Like speed limits, or social graces. Both are soundly ignored.

Perhaps he’s not to blame. Artest seems to be insane, or has a very strange sense of humor: (click here for a video of the interview)

And I was just like, wow, what if I lost my teeth, like, today? And I’m 32. You know? And then my new teeth would grow back in. You know? I was just thinking about that. And I was like, that’s really pretty brilliant; he actually thought about like people’s image and, you know, persona and things like that. ‘Cause you would be pretty ugly with no teeth at the age of 20, 18, you know? So not only did he build the world in seven days, seven nights, he also said, OK, let them lose their teeth early, rather than late.

Oh well. I hope you find contentment, Mr. Artest. THAT is my metta for you.



Dec 212011

Cell Phone anger

Cell phone companies are ripping me off when I leave voice mails, and they are ripping you off too. I never talk on the phone, but when I do, here’s what happens:

Time Elapsed What I hear or what’s happening What I’m saying to myself, or out loud
0:00 dead air, the networks are starting to connect my call I DID press “call”, right? 
0:05 ring #1 Sweet, their phone is ringing, so it isn’t turned off
0:10 ring #2 Ugh – I hate it when my phone rings. I feel bad that the person I’m calling (Abe) now must find and answer their phone
0:15 ring #3 Maybe this canker-sore is avoiding my calls…
0:20 ring #4 Wait… who am I calling again? What the hell was I going to say? Shit – I hope this person doesn’t pick up right now…
0:25 ring #5 Oh no – now I’ve forgotten MY name too?!?! Is there anything around me that has a name on it? Maybe that will help me out.
0:30 Abe’s voice “Hey, you’ve reached Abe. Please leave a message.” Oh yeah, ABE. I was calling Abe. But why? I can’t remember. And who am I again?  Poop.
0:37 Cell Phone Lady’s Voice “Please record your voice message after the tone.” No shit, Lady pants. I’m a pro at this message thing, yo.
0:40 “When you are finished, you may press 1 for more options, or you may simply hang up….” Why is she enunciating so carefully and talking so slowly. Why would this voicemail come with instructions? Is THIS voicemail have a different routine than all the others? Poop – I better listen closely…
0:45 “…To leave a callback number, press 5.” Why can’t I just leave my number in my message? And who doesn’t have voicemail? If you, my only reader, use this option, speak up and I’ll give you one (1) free coupon to kick me in the balls with a rocket launcher.
0:51 “BEEEEP” “Hey, uh… ABE… it’s…. um…” Who am I again?
0:56 “uhhhh, TONY. Yes, it’s Tony. Hey, give me a call. I think I might have just drunk dialed your mother so… sorry.”
1:03 I press the end button. Shit! How did that entire call take more than a minute? I only said 20 words!


I just got charged TWO (2) minutes for that 12 second voice message! 18 seconds of the 63 second affair involved that dumb-ass lady droning on about how to leave a bull-shitting message on a voicemail?? If we could cut out her ridiculous I would only been charged 1 minute instead of 2.

In Summary

By putting that crap lady’s voice on our voicemails, they have DOUBLED the price of leaving a voicemail, and that’s SHIT. Call your own voicemail to make sure you aren’t doing this to loved ones calling you!

Dec 162011

Ooo. Hot.

A fetish can come in all shapes and sizes. I just avoided typing the word “fetishes”, because I don’t know if that’s gramatically correct. Ha. Grammatically is spelled wrong. Is that a fetish? Misspelling things?

Of all the fetish roles a woman can play in “the industry”, sleeping girl porn must be the easiest. Foot fetish is probably pretty cush too, when compared to some of the others available.

Would you like a cookie, son?

Think of the fetishes (I looked up how to spell that – avoiding it was getting tiresome) about which people are excited: leather, S&M, beastiality, uh… exhibitionist… food…

Fuck. I’m really vanilla. I bet any average Joe or Gina could rattle off 15 fetishes. I got… 5? Dammit!

Anyway – in “sleeping girl” porn, the girl just gets to lay there.

In “real” porn (I use the term loosely – ha), the girl tries to put on a show. “Ooo..  Ahhh… this is my first time – be gentle… Oh – I’m cumming…” blah blah blah. I’ve heard interviews with porn stars saying “it’s only a real orgasm like 10% of the time.” Know what? The actor doesn’t care, and the audience doesn’t care, the ‘gasms are fake, the boobs are fake, the tans are fake – nobody expects “real”. Everyone knows it’s a big show.

SO – back to sleeping girl porn. In THIS brand of porn, bad acting would be showing any interest in the scene. WOW. What a jackpot!

“Listen… for this scene, I’m going to need you to show ABSOLUTELY no interest in sex with this stranger. In fact, justkeep your eyes closed, and pretend you’re somewhere else. Totally asleep. The actor is going to be REALLY gentle, as if he doesn’t want to wake you up. HEY! Don’t give me any lip. If you even THINK about reacting, or showing pleasure – you’re off the set. And you won’t get the $300 we’re offering.”

Sooo… speaking of using terms loosely… “jackpot” is relative term here here. In comparison to 4 giant peckers swashbuckling at one girl’s 3 holes – this might be a ‘jackpot’. In relation to being homeless and starving – this might be ‘semi-jackpot’. In relation to being on the LPGA, making millions and munching a little bit of rug – being an ‘actress’ in sleeping girl porn would be the exact opposite of jackpot.

Just a thought.


OH! I remembered about scat/golden shower fetishes. I’m reminded of those, because they keep popping up while looking on the internet for good illustrations for this post. Ugh.