Oct 062012

This post is inspired by a podcast with Neil and Abe, where we outlined the benefits of keeping the equipment used to support porn habits, entirely separate from your less-perverted life. The discussion started (at 24min) with utilizing a “porn-specific” internet browser. This browser would be some obscure software (Opera?) that no guest to your computer one would ever think to use. You would configure this browser to automatically delete your browsing history, and other such steps.

This spawned the idea of having an entirely separate computer or tablet, just for your porn. Consider the days when men hid a Playboy under the mattress. Now you just hide your porn-specific computer.

If you’re designing a Porn Tablet, include some features that make it outstanding at what it does. Should someone ‘ambitious’ try to design it, here’s some key options

  • a giant snooze bar that you can easily hit if someone walks in on you. Once you press this “snooze bar”, some other “non-porny” screen would show up automatically. Perhaps FoodNetwork, something sciency, or ESPN.
  • A Wi-Fi that hacks in to your neighbor’s network. Then, if the FBI tries to hunt you down for watching too much granny porn, your 58yo Armenian immigrant next door goes down in flames – not you.
  • Some sort of sensor that picks up when a spouse or parent is nearby, so you can toss some clothes over your perverted self.
  • Obviously, the entire thing should be washable, or waterproof, or something cool like that.
  • Optional 30 minute battery. This way, you can’t destroy your life because you are totally hooked to afore-mentioned granny porn.
  • Fingerprint scanner. If you scan in, it opens up your own disgusting, personalized desktop. Anyone elses fingerprint? Porn Tablet automatically opens to a session with a NY Times crossword and Forbes magazine article, making you appear like some super-serious intellectual to your nosey boy/girlfriend.
  • Optional vibrating ‘stylus’, if that’s your thing. Like the thing used in old Palm pilots, but better.
  • Maybe a wiper blade, to keep the screen clear with the touch of a button? Although, if anyone found a tablet with a wiper blade, that would beg a few questions, and your cover would be blown.
  • built in lube dispenser
  • headphones only – no speakers (since you don’t want this playing out loud). And you don’t need stereo for porn music – it’s pretty gross to hear that stuff in 5.1 surround sound. Mono would be fine.

That’s about it. Maybe it’s called the GuyPod or something.