Oct 022012
 

Cosmo “In depth responses to questions you could only ask Cosmo” p204, Sept 2012, by Yvonne Fulbright, PhD.

“Q: My husband recently hinted that his butt cheeks are supersensitive. What should I try?”

“A: First, you have to figure out what kind of touch your hubby is looking for… experiment and gauge his response – heavy breathing, moaning, and tense muscles are all good signs.”

Great call, Doc. Do NOT assume that your guy will share this affinity for cheek play. Any time a guy says some weird shit like this, he’s going out on a limb. Take it slow and maybe you can figure it out.

In the event it turns into a full-blown sex den of bullwhips and cat-o-nine tails, better seek some counseling.

Was that $1 shown in the picture, payment for playing with the cat o’nine tails?

 

Sep 292012
 

Cosmo “25 Sex moves he wishes you’d do: We got men to give up the wickedly creative tricks they crave – and they did not hold back.” p196, Sept 2012.

Every guy is different, so I’m sure that some dude out there is dying for something listed in this article to happen to him. My reaction, and the guys I’ve talked to, is as follows:

Category Cosmo idea Real guys react
The Good “When I’m going down on you, put one hand on the back of my head…” This is important. Every girl has her own preferences down there, so it’s great to have your girl get into it, and give some guidance (literally) on how much pressure she likes. Use my head like a joystick – I don’t give a damn.
The Bad “A twist on washing-machine sex… (girl on top). That way I get to experience the vibrations too.” This is a clumsy and frustrating maneuver. Just stick with what works. If your guy is into vibrations on the butt, I’m sure there’s better options out there.
“Cosmo is clearly saying this to fuck with you” “Touch me in 3 different places at once. Stroke my penis, grab my butt, and kiss my nipples. You’ll be like a one-woman threesome.” Do not do this. Guys will either laugh at you, or just patiently count the seconds until the silliness is over. This one might get told to our friends, in a bad way.

 

 

Sep 272012
 

Ponytail = automatic awesome. Of course, Emmanuelle Chriqui would look great even in a pith helmet.

“Guys filled in the blank of this popular twitter hashtag and yep… T and A made the list, but so did a few surprises” Cosmo, p146 Sept 2012 issue. Twitter poll “What’s an #instantturnon?”

I polled guys in response to this one – and here are the results:

Cosmo guys Real guys
Tight heads and a tank top Yes. This one is hard to screw up.
Nip slips Unless it’s Janet Reno, this is true. It’s hot. In fact, maybe even Janet Reno would be hot, if the lighting is right.
A smile and eye contact An instant turn on? It’s nice, but I wouldn’t go that far. Maybe if she moves close  while she does it. That’s nice. Or toss a wink in there – winks are great.
Her collarbone. It’s delicate. Again, it’s a nice feature, but it’s not going to get a guy to break any decency laws and pull you into the nearest broom closet.
Ambition. A girl who can work hard and play hard is hot. Total lack of ambition is a turn off, but the driving ambition isn’t necessarily a turn on.
Dimples. Yup. This is good.
When she’s commando. I’m luke-warm on this one, but my friends usually go CRAZY about this one. Nice call, Cosmo.
A pony-tail. Fk yes. Please. I don’t know why girls bother with any other hairstyle.
Yoga pants. Yoga pants are good, but yoga in yoga pants is what’s it’s all about. All that bending is a very good and suggestive thing.

 

A few that didn’t make the list, would be the hug from behind, leaning close to a mirror to put on some eye shadow, and clingy long sleeve tee shirts. Argh – those shirts are irresistable.

Sep 242012
 

I’m confused by this “hair extensions” concept

Cosmo poll on p126, Sept 2012 issue – asks…

“We asked 100 guys on the street – Would it be be fun or freaky if a girl had short hair one date, then long hair on the next due to extensions?”

Apparently 61% guys said extensions are ‘Fun’, and 31% said ‘Freaky’.

This is total shit. Where could this poll be taken where guys exist who respond that this would be fun? ‘Fun‘ is photo booths, renting a convertible for the day, or having a sand-castle-building showdown/extravaganza. Britney’s hair on the right is not ‘fun’.

I polled 4 guys, and across the board, they landed on the “don’t care” side initially. Frankly, guys currently don’t notice a girl’s haircut – why would we notice a hair extension?

When I pushed for an answer, the ambivalence turned into “Actually, I would be confused, and concerned.”

Most guys I know prefer to be the “surpriser”, doing something cool to get our girl excited. It’s not our comfort zone to get the surprised when hair length changes radically. In fact, that gets us asking a few more questions:

  1. What else may be fake? Is that the world’s most impressive water-bra she’s wearing? Are those dentures?
  2. What in the hell are “extensions” anyway? Will these things come off randomly? Will I have to pick up her fake hair around my house? Is there such a thing as “female pattern baldness”, and does she have it?
  3. Are extensions something that will make her super-high maintenance? Will we, as a couple,be an extra 30 minutes late at all times?
  4. If we’re in bed, and she said “pull my hair”, should I pull her fake hair, or real hair? Will she drop her drawers one day, and perhaps be wearing a her’kin?  (merkin for girls)

Basically, real guys say that hair extensions are “whatever”, at best. At worst, there’s a lot of downside, so we recommend not to bother with them at all.

-Tony

 Posted by at 10:21 am
Sep 232012
 

It’s amazing to me what magazines showcase as “trendy things to wear”. In the September issue of Cosmo, the following clothes are appealing/cute/hot to a guy. (If an article of clothing is not listed, it is NOT attractive to a guy.

page clothes reaction
24 even buttoned up, this would be awesome
42 solid
47 sure
50 black dress yes, please.
59 bikini no brainer
60 sure
80 good stuff, like the skirt
82 hubba
100 zoe saldana hotter than most formal wear, but looks good
108 yup
109 silver dress very classy
124 classic hot
128 bikini with tie bottom love these
129 wow
162 zipper down the front??? yikes, slash, awesome
192 yes, layering IS hot
258 stylish
260 liking the little bows

The ones that got away:

page item what didn’t work
33 sequined jeans lose the sequins, they are rough to the touch. Guys like to touch.
84 a little too much flowers, looks like a grandma’s sofa. like to see her out of that thing.
174 like the strange brown stripe in the pants, but the coat hides any curves
 232 lose the angry metals, and we absolutely have ourselves a deal

 

 Posted by at 8:46 am
Sep 212012
 

This is another in a series of posts in a Real Guy’s reaction to Cosmo. Today, I’m reacting to an article on p64 called “Style Evolution: Miley Cyrus”. I was stunned with the awkwardness of this article, which outlined how the fashion sense of a 13yo became increasingly “edgy” until she was a whopping NINETEEN years of age.

Take note that the article refers to her 2007 “curve hugging minidress”. She was 14 at the time.

A great comment, and I’m sorry that I don’t know to whom to attribute it:

Very young girls are being asked/told to ’embrace their sexuality’ when they don’t even know what sexuality means.

Way to go, Cosmo, this is some top-notch stuff.

 Posted by at 11:56 am
Sep 192012
 

Yeah, this is some good lipstick.

September 2012’s issue talked about “Chocolate Cherry Lips” with lipstick that makes you look “downright lickable”. On this one, I definitely agree, and so does Ashley Maybrook.

I’m only a fan of eye make up and toe polish, but this is a pretty elegant and sultry look. Nice job, Cosmo – you picked a good fashion for once! It helps to pick a gorgeous woman to showcase your point. I think you could smear green highlighter on Miss Belle’s lips and she’s still be smokin’ hot.

 

 Posted by at 12:45 pm
Sep 172012
 

3 Phrases that get him to open up, p142, Sept 2012 Cosmo.

Instead of asking “What are you thinking”, Cosmo suggests the following questions to ‘get guys to talk’. That smacks of ‘waterboarding’. Guys don’t seek an emotional experience when talking. Guys create bonds by doing things together, often in complete silence. I’ve helped a friend move apartments for hours without saying a word. When guys talk, the purpose is to get enough information to a) make a decision, or to b) take action:

  1. “when is game” or
  2. “need oil for car” or
  3. “want food for mouth” or
  4. “Yes, hello, my name is Graham Wellington, the Turbowealthy. When I’ve sufficiently impressed you with my social status, please let me know, so we can start with the sex.”
If a guy asks another guy a bunch of questions, we want to accomplish something. Therefore, conversations feel strange when they do NOT have this purpose. Guys get wary. “Wait a minute, nobody talks just to ‘feel connected’… what does she REALLY want from me…”

Chances are that he likes you, and wants you to be happy. We are willing to knock out jerks, spend lots of money, and change your tire in the rain to make you happy/keep you safe. Talking seems pretty easy in the scheme of things.

Make sure you clearly explain that you are interested/fascinated/would love to hear about what he is doing with his life. He will not believe you, so you’ll have to interrupt every few minutes and ensure him that you REALLY enjoy it.

IMPORTANT: Stick to “hearing about you makes me happy” for starters. Do NOT say “talking makes me feel connected”. This makes you sound like an outright crazy person. Yes, guys want to feel a connection too, but just keep it simple initially.

OK, from Cosmo, three phrases that “get him to open up”:

Recommended question The real guy’s reaction A real guy’s suggestion
“Let me know if you need to vent” “What? Vent? Are you talking installing something in the bathroom/kitchen??” Do not ask this. It will confuse a guy. It’s my understanding that ‘venting’ means explaining a situation you have experienced, with the intent of releasing the emotion that comes with the frustation that is experienced. If this is true, guys don’t ‘vent’. If the problem is vented, not solved, the emotions will just crop up again. We want to fix, not vent. Try “You seem pissed/sad. Let me know if you want to explore some ways I can help to improve your situation.” That’s a sweet team to be on.
“I bet you killed that presentation today.” (intent is flattery) “Yes, I did” or “No, I got smacked”. Flattery doesn’t work with guys. At all. He either agrees with you, or he ignore what you said as empty flattery/a ridiculous under-assessment of our skills (since we are great). Better to ask “Do you want to talk about that presentation or not?” If not, the conversation can just move on – no sweat.
“I have to tell you this story…” (intent is that we’ll feel like sharing too) This is a very good idea. Guys love to tell stories. If the story you start with is brief, he will be interested for a short while NO MATTER WHAT THE SUBJECT IS, because YOU are telling it, and he likes you, so he thinks it’s worthwhile (at least initially). Keep stories very short (less than 2 minutes). Ask him if anything similar has happened. If not, try another 2 minute story.

In summary:

  1. He wants you to be happy.
  2. If you’d like to ‘get him to open up’, respect and understand that this is not guy style. Forcing this process will cause wariness and closure.
  3. Remind the guy, from a place of warmth (not desperation), that you enjoy hearing about what’s going on with him. It may help to say something like “Listen, I know it sounds crazy to just talk, but I’m interested to hear more”.
  4. Try some of the phrases I’ve listed – do not use what Cosmo suggests.
Last, guys who are frustrated in a relationship sometimes say “She starts conversations, just so she can do all the talking”. Try staying out of the conversation, see if this helps him build up momentum in the conversation.

Disclaimer:

Terri Orbuch and Tonya Reiman were sources for the Cosmo article. They know much more about this subject than I do, but it’s always worth incorporating another opinion… particularly from a guy.

Sep 162012
 

Sometimes I see a Cosmo cover while waiting to pay for groceries. The magazine says “What men REALLY want in the bedroom!” Then, the magazine suggests cramming a few fingers up your man’s butt. What??

In this series, I find articles that tell women what guys like, and then give an unbiased account of the accuracy. Normally, I’ll poll my guy friends to ensure that my views represent the average guy. If Cosmo is right, I give it a stamp of approval. If they are wrong, maybe this will prevent some embarrassing moments!

 Posted by at 4:00 pm