I like dogs AND cats.

Oct 072012

Online slideshow from Cosmo on 9/24/2012 titled “Lingerie Men Love”.

This 25-piece showcase of lingerie was a mixed bag. Obviously, at the end of the evening, any of these would be well appreciated. However, some of these I’m going to get excited to see my girl in again. Others… I’m hoping they get lost somewhere under the bed. This would ensure the good ones make it back into the rotation faster.

The Lingerie The Description The reaction
Great, All-American lingerie
Rating: B+
  • This is good stuff.
  • This lingerie emphasizes the girl, not the clothing – no distractions.
  • A little bit see through, like the bow in front.
  • This is the kind of lingerie in which that would be great to watch you make your way around the bedroom.
50’s throwback granny-panties
Rating: D
  • The return of high-waisted garments makes guys panic.
  • Low-rise jeans were a 21st century evolution of awesomeness. Guys love hip bones and belly buttons. Don’t cover it up! High waist fashion just looks awkward.
  • I’m convinced clothing stores are trying to make high-rise stuff come back in style, to
  1. sell more merchandise (since girls just bought low rise clothes), and
  2. piss guys off
White, Lacy, Naughty-ness
Rating: A
  • Like the bra, but love these lacy leggings with garters.
  • Garters are flat-out hot. I wanna tear them off.
  • The white is hot too, because it ‘seems’ pure and makes you pump your brakes, but the overall sexiness makes you hit the gas pedal at the same time.
Timing Piece
Rating: C
  • Love the bra, hate the underwear.
  • If she gave me a strip tease, and she took her shirt off first, I’d be going out of my mind. “Love the red, and little bows, and low cut… YES!”
  • Then off comes her skirt, “YE… s? oh, those are… strangely high… Let’s get those off too, and maybe don’t put them back on. Ever.”
Girlie Dirty
Rating: A
  • Loving these.
  • A little see through, I like the frills. I’d love to kiss that bow.
  • These might get torn off – I’d happily spring for a few new pairs.
Oct 062012

This post is inspired by a podcast with Neil and Abe, where we outlined the benefits of keeping the equipment used to support porn habits, entirely separate from your less-perverted life. The discussion started (at 24min) with utilizing a “porn-specific” internet browser. This browser would be some obscure software (Opera?) that no guest to your computer one would ever think to use. You would configure this browser to automatically delete your browsing history, and other such steps.

This spawned the idea of having an entirely separate computer or tablet, just for your porn. Consider the days when men hid a Playboy under the mattress. Now you just hide your porn-specific computer.

If you’re designing a Porn Tablet, include some features that make it outstanding at what it does. Should someone ‘ambitious’ try to design it, here’s some key options

  • a giant snooze bar that you can easily hit if someone walks in on you. Once you press this “snooze bar”, some other “non-porny” screen would show up automatically. Perhaps FoodNetwork, something sciency, or ESPN.
  • A Wi-Fi that hacks in to your neighbor’s network. Then, if the FBI tries to hunt you down for watching too much granny porn, your 58yo Armenian immigrant next door goes down in flames – not you.
  • Some sort of sensor that picks up when a spouse or parent is nearby, so you can toss some clothes over your perverted self.
  • Obviously, the entire thing should be washable, or waterproof, or something cool like that.
  • Optional 30 minute battery. This way, you can’t destroy your life because you are totally hooked to afore-mentioned granny porn.
  • Fingerprint scanner. If you scan in, it opens up your own disgusting, personalized desktop. Anyone elses fingerprint? Porn Tablet automatically opens to a session with a NY Times crossword and Forbes magazine article, making you appear like some super-serious intellectual to your nosey boy/girlfriend.
  • Optional vibrating ‘stylus’, if that’s your thing. Like the thing used in old Palm pilots, but better.
  • Maybe a wiper blade, to keep the screen clear with the touch of a button? Although, if anyone found a tablet with a wiper blade, that would beg a few questions, and your cover would be blown.
  • built in lube dispenser
  • headphones only – no speakers (since you don’t want this playing out loud). And you don’t need stereo for porn music – it’s pretty gross to hear that stuff in 5.1 surround sound. Mono would be fine.

That’s about it. Maybe it’s called the GuyPod or something.

Oct 022012

Cosmo “In depth responses to questions you could only ask Cosmo” p204, Sept 2012, by Yvonne Fulbright, PhD.

“Q: My husband recently hinted that his butt cheeks are supersensitive. What should I try?”

“A: First, you have to figure out what kind of touch your hubby is looking for… experiment and gauge his response – heavy breathing, moaning, and tense muscles are all good signs.”

Great call, Doc. Do NOT assume that your guy will share this affinity for cheek play. Any time a guy says some weird shit like this, he’s going out on a limb. Take it slow and maybe you can figure it out.

In the event it turns into a full-blown sex den of bullwhips and cat-o-nine tails, better seek some counseling.

Was that $1 shown in the picture, payment for playing with the cat o’nine tails?


Sep 292012

Cosmo “25 Sex moves he wishes you’d do: We got men to give up the wickedly creative tricks they crave – and they did not hold back.” p196, Sept 2012.

Every guy is different, so I’m sure that some dude out there is dying for something listed in this article to happen to him. My reaction, and the guys I’ve talked to, is as follows:

Category Cosmo idea Real guys react
The Good “When I’m going down on you, put one hand on the back of my head…” This is important. Every girl has her own preferences down there, so it’s great to have your girl get into it, and give some guidance (literally) on how much pressure she likes. Use my head like a joystick – I don’t give a damn.
The Bad “A twist on washing-machine sex… (girl on top). That way I get to experience the vibrations too.” This is a clumsy and frustrating maneuver. Just stick with what works. If your guy is into vibrations on the butt, I’m sure there’s better options out there.
“Cosmo is clearly saying this to fuck with you” “Touch me in 3 different places at once. Stroke my penis, grab my butt, and kiss my nipples. You’ll be like a one-woman threesome.” Do not do this. Guys will either laugh at you, or just patiently count the seconds until the silliness is over. This one might get told to our friends, in a bad way.



Sep 272012

Ponytail = automatic awesome. Of course, Emmanuelle Chriqui would look great even in a pith helmet.

“Guys filled in the blank of this popular twitter hashtag and yep… T and A made the list, but so did a few surprises” Cosmo, p146 Sept 2012 issue. Twitter poll “What’s an #instantturnon?”

I polled guys in response to this one – and here are the results:

Cosmo guys Real guys
Tight heads and a tank top Yes. This one is hard to screw up.
Nip slips Unless it’s Janet Reno, this is true. It’s hot. In fact, maybe even Janet Reno would be hot, if the lighting is right.
A smile and eye contact An instant turn on? It’s nice, but I wouldn’t go that far. Maybe if she moves close  while she does it. That’s nice. Or toss a wink in there – winks are great.
Her collarbone. It’s delicate. Again, it’s a nice feature, but it’s not going to get a guy to break any decency laws and pull you into the nearest broom closet.
Ambition. A girl who can work hard and play hard is hot. Total lack of ambition is a turn off, but the driving ambition isn’t necessarily a turn on.
Dimples. Yup. This is good.
When she’s commando. I’m luke-warm on this one, but my friends usually go CRAZY about this one. Nice call, Cosmo.
A pony-tail. Fk yes. Please. I don’t know why girls bother with any other hairstyle.
Yoga pants. Yoga pants are good, but yoga in yoga pants is what’s it’s all about. All that bending is a very good and suggestive thing.


A few that didn’t make the list, would be the hug from behind, leaning close to a mirror to put on some eye shadow, and clingy long sleeve tee shirts. Argh – those shirts are irresistable.

Sep 242012

I’m confused by this “hair extensions” concept

Cosmo poll on p126, Sept 2012 issue – asks…

“We asked 100 guys on the street – Would it be be fun or freaky if a girl had short hair one date, then long hair on the next due to extensions?”

Apparently 61% guys said extensions are ‘Fun’, and 31% said ‘Freaky’.

This is total shit. Where could this poll be taken where guys exist who respond that this would be fun? ‘Fun‘ is photo booths, renting a convertible for the day, or having a sand-castle-building showdown/extravaganza. Britney’s hair on the right is not ‘fun’.

I polled 4 guys, and across the board, they landed on the “don’t care” side initially. Frankly, guys currently don’t notice a girl’s haircut – why would we notice a hair extension?

When I pushed for an answer, the ambivalence turned into “Actually, I would be confused, and concerned.”

Most guys I know prefer to be the “surpriser”, doing something cool to get our girl excited. It’s not our comfort zone to get the surprised when hair length changes radically. In fact, that gets us asking a few more questions:

  1. What else may be fake? Is that the world’s most impressive water-bra she’s wearing? Are those dentures?
  2. What in the hell are “extensions” anyway? Will these things come off randomly? Will I have to pick up her fake hair around my house? Is there such a thing as “female pattern baldness”, and does she have it?
  3. Are extensions something that will make her super-high maintenance? Will we, as a couple,be an extra 30 minutes late at all times?
  4. If we’re in bed, and she said “pull my hair”, should I pull her fake hair, or real hair? Will she drop her drawers one day, and perhaps be wearing a her’kin?  (merkin for girls)

Basically, real guys say that hair extensions are “whatever”, at best. At worst, there’s a lot of downside, so we recommend not to bother with them at all.


 Posted by at 10:21 am
Sep 232012

I’m thinking the Girlfax mascot would be a cat, right?

If you’ve seen the Carfox mascot from Carfax commercials, you automatically hated it. However, the service offered by Carfax seems relatively valuable. It keeps sellers accountable, and it’s great to know the history and what to expect for the future, before entering in to a contract to own a vehicle.

What I could use is a Girlfax report for girls I’m dating, and I’m sure girls would pay twice as much as I would for this service, to get some information about guys.

This report would give some details about the following, based on reviews from previous partners:

  • Has there been any emotional frame damage which has been unsuccessfully addressed
  • Have previous owners needed to perform extensive maintenance to keep things running smoothly
  • Does the title come free and clear, with no outstanding claims to the rights
  • Have there been a history of extreme conditions which might cause eventual reliability issues
  • Has the ‘motor’ been well taken care of with routine maintenance

Ironically, I’d pay extra for a vehicle actually used in films I watch. A Girlfax report citing a long list of films I’ve seen that she’s been in would be… not a selling point.

 Posted by at 8:29 pm
Sep 232012

It’s amazing to me what magazines showcase as “trendy things to wear”. In the September issue of Cosmo, the following clothes are appealing/cute/hot to a guy. (If an article of clothing is not listed, it is NOT attractive to a guy.

page clothes reaction
24 even buttoned up, this would be awesome
42 solid
47 sure
50 black dress yes, please.
59 bikini no brainer
60 sure
80 good stuff, like the skirt
82 hubba
100 zoe saldana hotter than most formal wear, but looks good
108 yup
109 silver dress very classy
124 classic hot
128 bikini with tie bottom love these
129 wow
162 zipper down the front??? yikes, slash, awesome
192 yes, layering IS hot
258 stylish
260 liking the little bows

The ones that got away:

page item what didn’t work
33 sequined jeans lose the sequins, they are rough to the touch. Guys like to touch.
84 a little too much flowers, looks like a grandma’s sofa. like to see her out of that thing.
174 like the strange brown stripe in the pants, but the coat hides any curves
 232 lose the angry metals, and we absolutely have ourselves a deal


 Posted by at 8:46 am
Sep 212012

This is another in a series of posts in a Real Guy’s reaction to Cosmo. Today, I’m reacting to an article on p64 called “Style Evolution: Miley Cyrus”. I was stunned with the awkwardness of this article, which outlined how the fashion sense of a 13yo became increasingly “edgy” until she was a whopping NINETEEN years of age.

Take note that the article refers to her 2007 “curve hugging minidress”. She was 14 at the time.

A great comment, and I’m sorry that I don’t know to whom to attribute it:

Very young girls are being asked/told to ’embrace their sexuality’ when they don’t even know what sexuality means.

Way to go, Cosmo, this is some top-notch stuff.

 Posted by at 11:56 am