Jan 092012

One cause of bad behavior

WARNING: If you are CURRENTLY being eaten by a bear, stop reading this, and use your phone to call for help instead. 

Healthy bears rarely attack humans. In the event of attack, the bear will be hunted down by park police and euthanized. Maybe this is a bear’s way of crying out for help. Perhaps these bears should be taken to rehab.


If you are being attacked by a bear, there are two camps that suggest what to do:

Illustration Steps My Impression

Fight back, dammit!

Camp #1: Fight like hell

  1. Poke and scratch the bear’s nose and eyes as hard as you can
  2. When the bear eats your face off, die with dignity
(This sounds like a really badass camp.)(I would get beat up in this camp.)

Why playing dead works

Camp #2: Play dead.

  1. Curl up into a fetal position, protecting your neck and stomach
  2. Lay motionless and silent
  3. When the bear eats your face off, die while pooping your pants.
(This is probably what I would do.)(Staying silent as the bear ate my sinuses seems unlikely.)

Ahhhh! Take THAT!


A 3RD, BETTER CAMP EXISTS.  (made popular by Grizzly Adams, re-introduced by Adam Carolla)

Camp #3: Blind the bear with a moneyshot

  1. Masturbate furiously.
  2. Wait until the bear is quite close to eating your face.
  3. Ejaculate all over the bear’s face, causing:
  • a stinging blindness (for the bear, not for you. masturbation does not cause loss of vision)
  • humiliation (papa bear), urge to towel off (mama bear), confusion (bi-curious bear)
  • pleasure (for you, not for the bear. Not even Meryl Streep could make a load to the eye seem enjoyable)

Sex as protection, not with protection


In a recent podcast with Greg Fitzsimmons, Adam Carolla suggested that every man should practice masturbating in a way that will prepare him to ejaculate under these very conditions. For the ladies out there, I have no advice for you. Just… wear protection.

(disclaimer – this would never, ever, never, ever, ever actually work. Ever. Unless you are Peter North, don’t take this seriously.)

XOXO, Tony

 Posted by at 2:44 am