Dec 192011

A horrible fate for a good dude, by all accounts

My Quandary:

Many words I use when I’m pissed, are total nonsense. They don’t mean anything to me. “God dammit!”, “Jesus H Christ on a popsicle stick!”. I may as well say “Easter Bunny!!” or “Santa Freakin’ Claus!”

At this time in my life, I don’t believe in religion. That may change when I have 24 hours left to live. I think that’s when people really start hedging their bets with Christianity – the only sect where a good hail mary pass can actually make up for a lifetime of being dick-nosed cunt-face. HA! Hail mary. Good double-entendre, Tony!

So, dying people, at least in the movies, try a little cost-benefit analysis. An exercise in risk management.

“Ouch. I’m about to die. Who knew cooties were a real thing, and they could actually KILL your ass? I may have said I don’t believe in god/heaven/hell, but….

  • If I repent NOW, the WORST thing that could happen is I’m thought of as a hypocrite.
  • If I’m dead, who cares what those fuckers think!
  • If Heaven does exist – playing chess with those bible beaters sounds better than spending eternity getting ALL-NOT-LASER-LASIK, using rusty BBQ tongs instead.”

Just a hunch, but I bet this is NOT what Jesus would do.

I would also ‘find god’ if the Spanish Inquisition started to become all the rage again, or if someone held a scepter to my throat and asked if I believe in Allah. Sure – I’ll have what you’re having. It looks pretty good right now.

Until a future predicament requires me to decide, I’m still uttering nonsense like “Holy crap!”. I need swear words that actually make sense to me. Even “FUCK” doesn’t make sense. I enjoy fucking. At least, from what I can remember. It’s been a while. Why is that yelled in frustration?  I think “AH, I’M SO NOT GETTING FUCKED RIGHT NOW!” would convey much more angst.

My Solution:

Once again, I have created a problem that no one has ever had. I need better cuss words. I will now invest some time to discover or try something different, for a very strange reason. Like when I started sleeping on the floor, next to my bed. No one will ever understand why, or see the reason for spending 24 minutes on this sort of thing.

Hacking cuss words: Determining the best phonics

I like “fuck”, because it has a good, strong K sound at the end, and you can really follow through into that.

I like “god dammit”, because the G really allows you to build up pressure as you enter the yell. Also, you can say TWO words, and THREE syllables,  thus expelling up to three times the amount of frustration as just saying “cunt”.

Hacking cuss words: Determining the ugliest words

Any word that deals with genitals or sex is not unpleasant to me. I do not like poop, but it’s a natural thing, so I can’t hate too much. They can’t be made-up words, because people might discover that I’m insane. It’s time to select words that have a universally bad association, that also fit the phonics described above.

You dirty, dirty fishtank

My new words:

  • Starbucks – Striking your tee shot 240 yards out of bounds? “STARBUCKS COFFEE!!!”
  • Fishtank – Someone cut you off in traffic?  “FISHTANK!” or “YOU DIRTY FISHTANK!”
  • Bark – I suggest using this when you stub your toe while using the bathroom in the middle of the night.
  • Canker-sore – The boss asks you to join a Friday afternoon meeting? “LICK MY ASS, CANKER SORE!”



A hidden benefit to this exercise, is that I can now yell my new swear words at the top of my lungs, while waiting in line at Starbuck, and not be arrested.

I’ll be surprised if I ever actually use these words. They seem good though. Maybe some of you will try them out, and like using them!

Cheers, Tony


 Posted by at 10:28 am