Apr 252013

Wait. Is this soda, or alcohol?

I drank most of a 6pk of Mikes Hard Lemonade this week. I take solace in the fact that I’m still a man, because I didn’t buy it – my roommate did. On the other hand, I’m a coward, a thief, and an alcoholic, because I’m only drinking it alone.

A friend of mine once drank this beverage stridently… defiantly… in spite of the ridicule being heaped on him as he hammered down this girlie drink. In response to why he drank is, he merely replied in contented tone “Sht’s good, man.”

How do you argue with that? At 5% alcohol, he was definitely getting drunk. It’s hard to pick on someone, when they seem so happy doing something. It’s even harder when you become jealous that you aren’t doing that thing you ridiculed.

By the way, he wasn’t lying. The stuff IS good. That’s because the sugar content is so high. It is essentially pink maple syrup with a screw top bottle.

My teeth are rotting out of my head, owing thanks to awful Welsh/Irish heritage. I shudder to think what happened when cousins snuggled around the fire in Northern Europe on cold nights. It did not help the diversity of my family’s gene pool. For this reason, I typically avoid sugars, so my teeth don’t get mushier any faster than their basal rate.



This ain’t your Daddy’s breakfast drink

Upon looking up the nutritional data, I see that Mikes Harder Lemonade has friggin 390 calories. That’s insane. I think most fast food hamburgers only have like 250 calories.

I also see that the website has offered to add this drink to a food diary. Since it was slotted for “Breakfast”, the website thinks (knows) I have a drinking problem. But, what they DON’T know, is that I drank more than 1 “can” for breakfast. Suckers.


 Posted by at 3:25 pm
Nov 072012

Cosmo, p75, Nov 2012

“There’s nothing wrong with posting a hot pic of yourself on Instagram or Twitter. But there’s a fine line between sharing and being narcissistic. The key? Show more than just a pretty face… within reason.”

If you’re thinking about sending pics like these to people, just don’t bother. It’s not worth it if the pic gets out.

What? No – bad advice. Selfies gone wrong

If a self picture is sent to your girl friends, I imagine this may be OK. However, if a guy gets a hold of your ‘selfies’, it will be considered slightly self-important or slutty at the very best.

At worst… it could get pretty bad. I’ve heard guys laugh about these pictures in very ruthless ways, giving girl a bad rep or slamming her looks. Of course that’s not fair – but guys never respond to self portraits by saying “she’s cute”, “she’s hot”, “she’s funny/ironic/zany”.

From Urbandictionary.com:

“A selfie is usually accompanied by a kissy face or the individual looking in a direction that is not towards the camera. The typical selfie face involves a peace sign and duck lips.”

duck lips: …kissing faces while they take endless pictures of themselves and post them at various places on the internet. They think it looks really cool, but they actually look like an ugly ass duck. It looks really AWFUL, and makes me wan’t to destroy the internet because so many people are doing it.”


Nov 042012

Ask him anything: Love advice from our guy guru, Ky Henderson (@kyhenderson)

p52, Cosmo, November 2012

Question from the reader Cosmo response Real guy reacts
“When we first started dating, he cuddled after sex. Now he just goes to sleep. Why? Guys start out on their best behavior, but slip into normal routines. Spot on, Ky. I look forward to the time when it’s “OK” to just get some awesome sleep. Spooning it fraught with dangers – arm falling asleep, waking her up when you need to flop around, trying not to snore in her ear, not being a creepy douche for poking her with your morning wood when she’s trying to sleep.
“My fiancee balks when I bring up wedding planning. Is he having second thoughts?” He’s looking forward to the wedding, the honeymoon sex – just doesn’t want to deal with deciding on the flowers or cake. Make planning fun. It’s a stupid guy joke to say something like “yup, I planned the proposal. The rest is up to her.” And the men in attendance will slap each other on the back. If it were up to the guy, the wedding would be the same as the honeymoon – just the guy and the girl. At the same time, we’d heard how important this wedding day is. We don’t want to screw your day up with our dumb guy opinions. We just want you to be happy.
Oct 262012

Cosmo 6 ways to Ace a First Date, p34, November 2012

“Scott Porter reveals simple moves that will leave him dying to go out with you again.”

I suggest a few refinements of his points, but overall, not a bad article with some good thoughts.

Idea Scott Porter says A Real Guy says
Play a little hard to get Don’t call to confirm plans beforehand, you’ll seem too eager. Guys are neutral about this. I like a little flirting beforehand, but the guys say “no confirmation” isn’t an issue. However, that guys like to be confident that his girl has enough information to prepare for the date. It helps if the girl can coach the guy through general questions: what the feel of the restaurant is like, how to get there, etc. We don’t think about that stuff ahead of time.
Show up on time Being prompt is important. If a girl is late, she’s not into the date. Being more than 10 minutes late just seems inconsiderate and impolite. At that point, who cares if she’s into it, she just seems like a jerk. Its an unnecessary bad start to the night.
Talk about yourself It’s very cool if she shares something intimate, it shows security. Plus guys would rather listen to you talk. There’s a fine line between sharing something out of comfort (very good feeling) versus desperate for someone to talk to (very bad feeling). Go easy on the sharing on date one. By date two or three, the rapport is strong enough to “overshare” and it’s not a big deal.
Let him be a man If he wants to open the door or pay for the evening, let him. We want to feel like we can do these things for a woman. Guys absolutely love making their girl happy and comfortable. A big smile and “Thanks!” from a girl I’m into, is the best possible thing in the whole world.
Never fake a laugh Don’t force a laugh or feign interest in what he’s saying. Just be yourself. I disagree with this. Don’t be TOTALLY fake, but a few laughs can really help break the ice, and will lead to more authentic laughs later.
Make the date last longer Suggest hanging out a little longer, coffee or another drink. At that point, it’s cool if she takes charge – spontaneous is sexy. It’s very assuring when a girl suggests hanging out longer. This makes that “Should I kiss this girl?” decision much less daunting.
Oct 242012

78 Crazy-hot sex facts, p162 Cosmo, October 2012

There were some laugh-out-loud facts in this article, and I learned a few things. Yay Cosmo!

Cosmo fact Comment
1. “Your breasts can swell up to 25% when you’re aroused.” Girls rock.
16. “The clitoris increases 400% in size between puberty and when you’re 32.” What??? Does that help explain why girls enjoy sex more as they get older?I’m glad my crank hasn’t grown 400% – sex would be un-possible.
43. “If he’s THIS close to climaxing, buy time by squeezing the head of his penis.”

Argh! Log jam! I’ve seen this unfortunate suggestion before.

  1. this doesn’t REALLY prevent an orgasm, and
  2. makes the ‘second try’ much less pleasurable than the first would have been.

Let’s agree to let everyone enjoy their orgasms first time around, OK?

53. “50% of women say that bad sex is a relationship deal breaker, while 44% of men say this.” Actually, I’m surprised this isn’t much higher for women.I mean, if bad sex for me meant “no orgasm” like it does for girls – that would be a GIANT problem, and break-up-worthy.

Yeah, I said it. Not proud of it, but I stand by that comment.

54. “51% of women have had an orgasm during an abdominal exercise.”
WHAT?!?!?!?!!?!?!?That’s awesome.I was astonished, and my girl friends confirmed this is true.
Primarily using that machine where you crunch downwards in a sitting position.

So awesome.

75. “Women are more likely to fantasize about getting it on at the Eiffel Tower. Men, the White House.”

  1. I don’t read so good. I thought this was “women fantasize of getting the Eiffel Tower”.   “The Eiffel Tower is a threesome with two guys and a girl, where one guy is hitting it from behind, and the other guy is getting a blow job. The guys are high-fiving over the girl to make the Eiffel Tower shape.”
  2. Fuck the French. You have to wade through throngs of French douche-fuckers before you can get to the Eiffel Tower. It’s cool once you’re there, but unless you can teleport directly, count me out.
  3. Yeah, I’d love to rock out in the ‘O’-val office. In her Oval Orifice.

Mr President, Tony asks you to give him 4 more minutes. He’ll clean up when they are finished.

76. “46% of Americans think they are more likely to see Bigfoot than have simultaneous orgasm.” This is hilarious.We all know that Bigfoot doesn’t exist.

However, we still think that something with a 0% chance is more likely to happen than something we try for most times we have sex.

 Posted by at 1:43 pm
Oct 212012

What guys notice first: p38 Cosmo, October 2012

“Josh Bowman (@OfficialBowman) pinpoints qualities that men dig in a girl.”

This was OK, but I thought the last two were excellent insights into the male mind.

Quality Josh digs Why Reaction
1. Glancing his way “If she makes eye contact, it’s sexy” Yeah, this is fine. It basically lets us know you’re interested to some degree. This helps shy guys summon the courage to come over and talk.
2. Challenging him “…Stands up for what she believes” This is only good if it’s non-emotional. Tone is huge here, just stating your opinion and not lingering on the topic is a very good thing. “Principled” is good. “Bitchy” is bad. This goes for guys too, right? A guy going ballistic is un-good.
3. Flaunting your bod “Show a little skin… but keep a guy guessing” Guessing? Good news, girls – you can relax. Guys do NOT guess. Guys know what we like, and if we recognize it in sweatpants, a skirt, or tight jeans. I’ve never heard a guy say “Until I got her clothes off, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I was totally surprised.”We will learn about your mood by how much skin is showing, but it won’t make us think you are more or less beautiful.
4. A bold laugh “It shows you are not afraid to joke and laugh at life, and you’re a free spirit.” Laughter is very, very good. Great call, Josh. When a girl is laughing, it’s a big reassurance to guys. Bold/loud laughter doesn’t really have anything to do with it.Girl laughing = cloud nine.Girl not smiling = high maintenance, maybe she’s hard to please.
5. Perfect posture “Shows class and confidence. You want a girl who can carry herself.” Excellent observation! Josh really nailed this one.Good posture suggests confidence and class, but also suggests “good health”. No one looks attractive hunched over.Additionally, it makes your butt stick up, and lifts the chest. These are good things that show good health too – and I know girls who pay a lot of money for underwear that does the same thing.
Oct 182012

Date night dresses guys love – p74 Cosmo, October 2012

“Men voted on outfits they’d want to see you in, and here are the winners (they even beat skinny jeans).”

This is another post in a series to dispute the things that Cosmo says that guys like, but aren’t really very accurate. This article is full of Cosmo crazy talk:

  1. Jeans are better than these dresses
  2. Shoes are listed here. Shoes are the 28th thing about you that guys notice. Wear the shoes to impress your girl friends, not a guy.
Dress Reaction
Cosmo guy says “A black dress is always hot, and the cutouts tell me she’s confident.”Black dresses are very good, and this is a cool looking dress, but I can’t imagine a girl wearing it until date 4. It would be tough to pull off.It’s pretty formal, and you’d have to be crazy hot to pull it off. Stick with the jeans!
Cosmo guy says “This doesn’t look like she’s trying too hard. It’s cute and it’s laid back.The name of this dress from the store is “Ditsy Reader Print Dress w/ Belt”. What kind of name is that?!?This dress is fine. A bit frumpy. Reminds me of a higher cut of my 58yo high school math teacher’s normal wear.

Jeans, please!

Cosmo guy says “Red is sexy and ballsy. It makes me think she’s the spontaneous type.This is a pretty cool dress. Red is hot, for sure. It’s also seems like she’s trying really hard, or maybe she’s fancy and hard to please. Jeans!
Oct 112012

Love advice from guy guru, Ky Henderson (@kyhenderson). p38 Cosmo, October 2012

Question Ky’s answer Real guy’s reaction
“I hate seeing my tummy when I’m on top. Doesn’t he notice it?” He’s mainly noticing your boobs. Also, he’s looking at your face as you climax, you moving up and down on his penis, etc. He’s not noticing your tummy. Ky’s pretty much right. If you have a tummy, we’ve already noticed it, and we’re good with it. The thing we are noticing in bed, is “how awesome/fun/exciting is this sex going to be?”
“I went home with a guy I met at a party. We’re texting, but he’s not asking me out.” He may not think of you as relationship material… his feelings could grow and he’ll want to date you, but it’s unlikely. Text him “I’d really like to hang out sometime… If you’re not into it, I understand, but then I’m going to move on.” This is true. Dating is possible, but unlikely. I like his text suggestion – it’s the opposite of clingy. Non-clingyness is very attractive.
“My fiance calls his family about work promotions before me. Is it fair to demand he give me the big news first?” He’s used to going to them first. It’s fair to ask him to tell you first, but you have to be careful. First, let him know he’s the #1 in your life, and share things with him first, and then let him know you’re calling your family. Then, try “I feel silly, but it would mean so much if I was the first person you came to with major news. It would make me feel like we’re a family now too. I’d advise against this for most people. Asking (demanding??) someone to re-prioritize who they confide in could be considered invasive, and might set things back. Keep sharing YOUR life decisions, be patient, and things may or may not turn around. Find ways to love and accept him anyway. You don’t have to fulfill his every need in order for him to love you.
Oct 092012

The scenario:

  1. Player A reaches to catch the ball thrown across the middle…
  2. … and the fans scream “KILL HIM!! RIP HIS HEAD OFF!!”
  3. Player A gets hit so hard by Player B that several pellets of Player A’s poop fill his pants… (that was alliteration, for those of you keeping track)
  4. The crowd roars with approval and excitement…
  5. …until Player A doesn’t get up
  6. Player B continues to bounce around, congratulating himself, as if he cured cancer. Nevermind that his  team is down by 4 touchdowns – making this play insignificant.
  7. As a result of the lifeless body, the crowd feels a bit ashamed that they screamed so loud for his death. There’s a murmur of concern
    Was that his spine there on the field? I’ve never seen a spine before, I don’t know…
  8. Several minutes later, Player A is carted off the field, seemingly ok…
  9. …while Player B continues to tell everyone how great he is. He does the “repeated low-5 slap” with any teammate that will pay attention to him.
  10. Player A, attempting to break the hushed, guilty silence, raises an arm, in a heroic THUMBS UP gesture.
  11. The crowd cheers a sigh of relief, clapping in encouragement.
    He can move his arm! He’s probably only paralyzed from the waist down! Yay!

“The reason you are in intense pain, is that you have many pins sticking out of your bones.”

What if Player A didn’t feeling like raising a thumb? Or, what if he felt pretty “Meh” about the whole situation? Would the hurt player give the “meh” shaking flat hand – “yeah, I’ve been better”. Maybe the player knows he won’t survive, and makes the thumbs down?

In ancient Rome, in the Colloseum, it was the “editor” who decided, based on his feelings and that of the crowd, whether a competitor would live or die. What if each stadium had an “editor” for the fallen athlete? Perhaps the mascot for the other team gets to decide whether Player A lives because of his mercy, or if he dies?

Roary, the Unmerciful Mascot

“Well Jim, they’ve stopped the stretcher on the way out of the stadium, where Mark Sanchez will have his fate decided by Roary, the Detroit Lion’s mascot. I gotta tell ya, I don’t like his chances here. OH – and sure enough! He gets the thumbs down!

“Yeah Tom, this is where the medics will euthanize Sanchez somewhere in the tunnel, and shuffle him off to dispose of his dead body somewhere outside the stadium in a dumpster. Tom, this isn’t all bad – at least this will free up some salary cap room for the Jets next year.”

Not sayin’ it would be good, or that I’d like it… but it would be interesting.

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